Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Day 7- Anger

At the beginning of this new journey for me, I planned to write a self discovery each day. As you can tell by looking back at my posts, I keep skipping days... It has definitely been challenging for me to write this. Partly because I am opening myself up to EVERYONE. Anyone can read these blog posts. That kind of scares me! And part of the challenge has been to find the good parts about me to share.

I could fill up many days worth about negative things about me and I have been trying to focus on my positive attributes/talents/etc. I wrote about being flawed, but that was quite vague. Today has been a difficult day. Actually, the past several days have been difficult. I have had a couple people put my anger to the test and so anger is on my mind tonight as I attempt to write.

Now how can I put a positive spin on my anger? Well, I really can't. I know that anger is a weakness that I need to work on. Am I justified in my anger? Actually, as a matter of fact I am quite justified. Does it make it ok for me to be angry? Well...that depends what I do with the anger. Do I act out with it? Do I learn from it? Do I let it fuel me to do something good to better the situation?

The quickest way to make me angry is to lie to me or about me. I have had both happen a lot recently. One of the people it is a normal thing so I should be used to it, but the other person I didn't expect it from. So it has really shaken me up and made my anger come out. Tonight I was so angry that I actually had the thought cross my mind of how good it would feel to punch this certain person in the face. Don't worry, I would NEVER actually do that. I am not a violent person. But I was mad enough that I actually thought about it.

Where do I go from here? Justified as it may be, how would Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want me to act during this test of my anger?

I can guarantee they wouldn't want me to punch anyone...

Part of self discovery is to notice the negative things about ourselves and to turn them into positive things. I get angry. I yell when I am angry and if I don't yell then I bottle it up and always end up exploding about something small later on. That isn't WHO I am, but it is something I have that I struggle with. I don't have to let it control my life and I don't have to just sit back and say, "I am an angry person, that is just who I am so don't expect me to be any other way." I know this is something that I want to change about myself and now I need to make a plan (and follow through with it) on how I can change it.

The things that make me most angry have to do with dishonesty. I cannot change other people. I cannot force others to be honest. All I can do is make sure that I am being honest. I have always tried hard to be honest, but I know at times I fall short. I feel guilty at being dishonest. So much so that I actually become physically ill if I lie.... (a BIG guilty conscience was given to me when God made me!). I even feel guilty if someone asks how I am and I say, "I'm good" when really I am depressed and barely able to force a smile. There is a balance, though. Not every person who asks how I am is actually wanting a 100% truthful answer. They don't want to know of the many struggles I am facing. And I most definitely don't want to share my life details with everyone I cross paths with. But I can change things so when I am asked, "How are you?" I say, "Eh, could be better. How are you?" or "I'm still breathing, so there's that!" Anything that isn't actually lying =)

The biggest problem, though, is in others being dishonest with me or about me. Because that is beyond hurtful and feels like a stab to the back and heart at the same time. I honestly am not sure how to veer my anger in those situations. But I do think that realizing the anger stems from feeling hurt by it and then to be able to voice that would be a good start. "It hurt me to be lied to, it hurt me to be lied about." I need to allow myself to have a voice, just not a loud, booming voice...


I found this picture (above) that I took almost 9 years ago. Maybe only in my mind, but it seemed to me a perfect picture for how I am feeling. A lie sparked a fire (anger) in me. I can keep the fire contained, but still keep stoking it and adding wood to it (dwelling on the lies) or I can let it die out. Realizing that if I keep the fire going I am going to hurt myself or others or both (not meaning physically). I can use the fire for good, if used right. Like a fire being used to prepare food or give warmth. But it is easy to let it get out of control when adding to the fire.

As I finish writing this, I realize another thing about myself... I think a lot more clearly as I write. It really is healing. But I will save that for another day!

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