As we talked, I opened up about what I went through in high school and what advice I have due to my experiences. I told her of the importance of self esteem because when you have low self esteem you often fall into making choices that aren't the greatest. We talked about how self esteem can't come from others and what a dangerous trap it is to rely on others words and opinions to either make or break your self esteem. One thing we talked about for how to build self esteem is affirmations. That if you are constantly telling yourself when you look in the mirror that you are fat or ugly, then that is all you will see when you look in the mirror- if even you lose weight or change things about how you look. But if you change that and tell yourself good things, then you will be able to start believing in yourself.
I shared with her the struggles that I had as a teen... (I omitted some parts when talking to her, but wanted to share the full story here)
At 16 I became anorexic. Partly because I thought I was fat and partly because I literally wanted to disappear. I was 5 ft 7 inches and only 85 lbs. I was a skeleton. Food was the enemy. I don't remember the exact length of time I was anorexic, but it was quite a while. I remember what ended it though. I don't think my parents knew what to do to help me. So one day my dad took me to the store with him. He said we weren't leaving until I filled the cart up with food that I would eat. It was very difficult for me to do, but I wasn't one to tell my dad no or disrespect him. So I reluctantly obliged him. I didn't want to waste his money once the food was bought so I ate that day. I felt so fat. So fat that I made myself sick and went into the bathroom and threw it up. I HATE HATE HATE throwing up!!! I have always had a fear of it. Thankfully I had a fear of throwing up because the bulimia attempt only lasted that day. And since I didn't want to disrespect my dad, I ate each day. Maybe not as much as I should've, but I did eat something at least.
That wasn't the end of my struggles though. I may have started eating, but my food issues didn't go away. Since then I have gone on bouts of binge eating and bouts of not eating. I struggle to find a healthy balance. I know I haven't been able to control myself with foods I love. I overeat all the time. So that makes me struggle with eating at all. There are times that I realize halfway through the day that I haven't eaten. Or nap time comes and I go hide in my room to get my "sanity time" which involves a tv show while I overeat on chocolate, chips, ice cream, junk, junk, junk! It is a horrible battle.
This all started due to low self esteem. Due to feeling like I was the loser, ugly, fat girl. My friend wore size 0 pants and I was a size 5 because of my hips, so that made me fat in my eyes. I still struggle with self esteem. I tell myself that when I lose weight and tone my body that I will be pretty, but I honestly don't believe that... Because I have been skinny and definitely saw ugly when I looked in the mirror.
I explained to my daughter that it is important to feel good about who you are and what you look like in the moment and not live in the "I will be pretty when..." Once you have been telling yourself that you are fat and ugly, that thought process doesn't actually just go away overnight once you get thin or once your acne clears up. You already believe the negative about yourself and the only way to get rid of the negative thought is to change the thought, not change your appearance. Sure doing your hair or wearing makeup can make you feel good about yourself, but it doesn't last. It is temporary if you don't have actual self esteem. Those that feel good about themselves and are confident in who they are have this different air about them. And they are good looking people! Whether or not they are the "world's" definition of good looking, they truly are beautiful/handsome.
I realized I need to follow my own advice. The saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" definitely applies to how we feel about ourselves also. It is important to be kind to ourselves. To find things we love about ourselves and to quit negative talk! It is time to look in the mirror and say LOVING things, not HATEFUL. It is ok to love yourself. It really is. It is ok to have self esteem (This is one thing I am struggling to believe, but know that I need to!).
So my goal is to set a better example for my kids. To gain self esteem. Feel good about who I am and how I look. I think that is just as important as making sure to lift up my kids self esteem. If I model what healthy self esteem looks like (let's be honest...those who are egotistical don't have a healthy self esteem! Arrogance is NOT attractive.) then my kids will know how to feel good about themselves and that it is ok to feel good about themselves.
So I will be making a list of affirmations about myself that I will say daily. Not just for myself, but because if I have self esteem it affects my kids, my husband, my marriage, and those around me. And darnit, I deserve to feel good about myself for once!
I encourage you to do the same. Write down affirmations- positive things about you. Then look in the mirror every day as you say them to yourself. I know it works. When I was around 10 years old my sister was upset that I kept saying how ugly I was. So she made me promise that every single time I saw a mirror or anything I could see my reflection in, that I would stop, look at myself, and tell myself I was beautiful. I did it and I did start feeling good about myself and felt happier. (I stopped because she made me mad....so to punish her I stopped the affirmations... the things kids do when mad *sigh*)
So please do it. I will too.
