Why Am I Me? Part Two

There is life after abuse.

For a long time I didn't think that was true or possible, but it is very much true. A very good life is possible after abuse.

Part one of this blog was so incredibly difficult for me to write. It shared my darkest part of my life. A part that I have tried for years to forget about, but haven't succeeded in. I have realized that as much as I want to forget it ever happened, that it was best to not forget it. It is better to make sure to learn from it and help others who may go through similar situations. It has been 12 1/2 years since my divorce. I have come along ways since then, but still have things I am trying to heal from.

After my divorce, I moved in with my parents. They were so supportive of me and getting me emotionally healthy. I went to floral design school, which truly is where I started to find myself and feel like I could actually be something. I still struggled for quite a while after that, but eventually I got a job at a flower shop. I was working full time and going to school to finish my high school diploma. I felt pretty good about myself. School was hard. I had failed my science class in high school so needed a science credit. I took an anatomy and physiology course. It was the toughest class I had ever taken! I worked so hard, though, and I passed the class with a B+.

I have to admit, I wanted to rub it in his face... Look at me! I graduated high school while working full time and being a single mom! See?? I can do it! You were wrong!

A couple things were missing, though. I still didn't have a place of my own and I really wanted to move on and date. (ultimately get remarried)

I ended up meeting Adam (almost 3 years after the divorce). I knew right away that he was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but I knew it would be a mistake to give up. He had growing up to do and I had emotional baggage to let go of. We both had a lot of work to do. We have now been married for 9 years. He adopted my daughter and has always treated her as his own. In fact we often forget that she isn't his blood child because it feels like this is the only family we have had. We have had 3 more children, also.

I honestly never thought that after my divorce, I would ever get remarried. I didn't think I deserved a good marriage. On occasion I find my ex's words popping into my mind. The words that tear me down. Words that make me feel not good enough and like Adam is going to leave me for someone better because I am not good enough. I try to be strong and ignore them, but it can be difficult. In fact I will be doing really well when it hits me the hardest.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

“We generally think of Satan attacking us at our weakest spot. … But weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas where we are proud of our strengths. He will approach us through the greatest talents and spiritual gifts we possess. If we are not wary, Satan can cause our spiritual downfall by corrupting us through our strengths as well as by exploiting our weaknesses”

My self esteem is my weakness and the adversary knows that. I have over the years become stronger and felt good about myself and who I am today, only to have my self esteem attacked. Having my strength tested.

My husband is so sweet to me. He knows the struggles that I have and does everything he can to counteract the negative thoughts I have. He compliments me, he tells me how much he appreciates me, he holds me when I am struggling. I am so blessed. I still fight an almost daily fight, though. Because satan doesn't want me to be happy and strong. And each time I become strong, something or someone changes that.

Don't let satan win. That is what I have to keep reminding myself.

I have been looking back over the years, trying to figure out why I still have a lot of the same problems. As I would get more emotionally healthy, I can see a pattern of falling back into not being as strong as I was. It wasn't until very recently that I figured out the cause. I may have stopped having toxic relationships ("love" wise), but I shifted to having toxic friendships. This was a very hard reality to face.

I spent years being torn down by my ex, being told what to think, feel, do, etc. That, as twisted as it sounds, became where I felt emotionally safe. Because obviously I wasn't good at making my own decisions (I had made so many bad ones for so long) so it was safer to let someone else make my decisions. But I am now married to a man who doesn't control me, who doesn't like to be the decision maker... So over the years I clung to friendships that were that way. It took the pressure off of me to just let someone else pretty much control my life and it felt safe. But during the times of having those types of friendships, I have seen myself change. Not a good change. I look back and see the declining of the strength I once had, declining of my self esteem, declining of my happiness, and even declining of my standards.

I have ended many of these friendships, but each time would replace it with another one. I just didn't realize it. Now that I have, though, I can change that.

I am not blaming anyone, but myself. I am not saying those friends were or are horrible people. They had strong personalities and I didn't (don't). In order for me to become a healthy individual I need to actually be an individual. I need to make my own decisions, have my own thoughts, and stay strong in my values and standards.

Now that I have made this discovery, I am able to regain my strength. I won't let satan win. When he throws things at me to tear down my strength I am going to stand tall and strong. I am going to throw them right back in his face. I know that as I come closer to God, that I will become stronger and stronger. For He can "make weak things become strong." (Ether 12:27)

Why Am I Me? Part One

In self discovery, some times the way to figure out who we are, why we are the way we are, and how to change things about ourselves, is to go back to the beginning. Go back to the things that formed who we are today. The good, the bad, the happy, the ugly.

When it comes to my blogs and what to write next, I go to Heavenly Father in prayer. Last week I asked what I should write about next. The answer was a difficult one for me. It was to share more in depth about me, things that shaped me (and not just to share the good things). I have put it off. I fear opening up, especially so publicly. I even questioned the answer, but felt strongly that to share is to help someone. Now, I don't know who this is for. Is it for someone I know? A stranger who happens upon my blog? Or is it for me and helping me to heal and move on? I have no idea whatsoever. All I know is that I am supposed to write it.

I honestly don't even know where to start...

For as long as I can remember, I have been very shy and unsure of myself. I lacked confidence and it always showed. I was teased, made fun of, and treated like the loser throughout school. It actually started with girls treating me that way. I usually would hang out with the boys at school. I was the only girl who would dig in the dirt for worms with them or be part of the "mystery solvers club." I wasn't afraid to get dirty. I didn't worry about having the most popular clothes (why should I? I was just going to get them dirty by having fun outside!) So the girls picked on me. One actually pulled down my pants at recess then proceeded to make fun of me and my underwear (was I really the only 2nd grader who had My Little Pony undies?!?!). She made sure to tell all the boys I was friends with that I was wearing stupid underwear.

I really struggled. One time I was waiting in the hallway after school for the bus. A boy was staring at me. It made me uncomfortable so I asked, "What are you staring at?!?!" He snapped back, "Definitely not you!" In my 6 year old mind, I instantly thought, "He is right. Why would anyone want to look at me. How stupid am I for thinking he was looking at me."

I was terrified to go to school. Then one day I got to my class early. There was another boy sitting in the room already. He started talking to me and showed me how to draw a car. He became the one who would beat on the other boys who would throw rocks at me during recess (and the 2 boys who would chase me trying to kiss me). He became my safe person. I don't really have many memories of him after that. Just that he was the one who treated me nicely when I was most scared and who protected me.

Fast forward many, many years.... We moved from Alaska to Utah (I had grown up in Alaska). As a teenager I clung to guys to get my self esteem. I was treated badly by the guys, but I felt like I was nothing if a guy didn't like me so I clung to them no matter how awful they were. I remember spiraling out of control when I got dumped the first time. It is horribly embarrassing to look back on it. He was my first boyfriend. I honestly thought we would stay high school sweethearts (silly 15 year old girl thoughts). So when he lied to me, started going after other girls, then finally dumped me (but lied about the reason why), I felt like my world had ended. I honestly didn't know how to handle it. He was my first kiss. The first boy to like me back. If he stopped liking me then I must be nothing. As silly as it seems, it crushed me. The next guy I dated was even worse. In fact they just kept getting worse. And of course when I got too clingy, they dumped me. Looking back, I totally don't blame them. But in the moment it was my survival. I felt if I wasn't liked that I was nothing and not worthy of living.

Why was I that way??? I really wish I could understand it. I was so emotionally unhealthy and that caused me to make such terrible mistakes.

My senior year we moved back to Alaska- to the same town I grew up in. I hadn't seen anyone in years. It was like starting new again. I had a couple friends that I had been friends with nearly my whole life, that had told me they were excited to have me back so we could hang out. But once school started they acted like they didn't know me. I wasn't cool enough for their group. So I floundered. I didn't fit in anywhere. Then one day a familiar face welcomed me back. It was the boy from first grade. All the feelings of being safe came back. We started hanging out and he became the protector again.

Unfortunately, he was not a good influence to have. He was into smoking, drugs, and alcohol. But he accepted me. He protected me (at least that is what I thought and what he had told me.... I found out the truth later). So to follow my pattern... I ended up dating him. I then moved in with him and married him the summer right after graduation. Then 11 months after we got married, we had a child.

Due to my low self esteem, I didn't let myself see all the warning signs. The HUGE red flags. They were obvious red flags too. But I was so desperate to be accepted, to be loved, to be completed by someone else because I had always felt like I wasn't whole....that I married him anyway.

I was 18. I thought I knew everything (HA! That makes me laugh now).

Have you read the latest articles about Gas Lighting? (I recommend looking it up...) I had never heard of it until recently. When I read about it my thought was, "Wow, did they watch my first marriage and use that to write an article?!?!" The dictionary definition is, "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity."

He started out small. He would tell me lies about people. It was usually bad things about guys because he thought all guys were a threat. Then would tell me all these sweet things he had done for friends (look at what a good guy I am). These things would come up in conversation with the people involved and I would find out they weren't true in the slightest. I would confront him on them and he would claim he never said those things. He would do this often. I could have proof of the lie and he would just tell me I was crazy, remembering wrong, or made it up in my head. Even if I had others to back me up on it because they heard the lie too.

It just escalated from there.

I was already weak and he exploited it and used it to benefit himself.

He tore me down all the time, but would usually mask it as it coming from someone else. "So-and-so said this about you..." When they really didn't. I would have bouts of being stronger and would stand up to him. When I did, things got so much worse. Many times I had bruises in the shape of his hands on my upper arms. There was one time when I called him out on a lie and he got so mad that he threw a full 20 oz Sprite bottle at my head. It flew right past my ear (I felt the wind from it as it flew within an inch of my head) and exploded against the wall. Sticky soda all over me, the wall, the couch... and he made me believe it was my fault. In fact, I am the one who cleaned up the mess from it.

He turned me against my family. They told me truths about him and he would convince me they were lying about him to me. We actually moved from Alaska to Utah to run from all the "lies" about him. He couldn't even get a job because he kept being fired for lying and stealing.

He had me isolated. We lived in a basement apartment, which was rather dark. When he would come home from work, if the blinds were opened he would accuse me of having them open so that I could show off myself to the neighbor teens. If my hair was brushed and I was dressed in something other than the pajamas I wore to bed, he would accuse me of cheating. I couldn't wear makeup unless I only put it on when he was home and would be home, otherwise I was doing it for cheating purposes.

I was so alone. I didn't feel I could turn to my family for help. I didn't have any friends. I had a couple friends that I had made when I moved to Utah when I was 12, but he tried hard to put a wedge between us, so I backed away from those friendships. I was alone. No one to turn to.

I tried to leave multiple times. He laughed in my face. He told me I could never support myself and my daughter. He said no one else would ever want me. If that didn't work, then he would start sobbing and beg me to stay. Make promises that he wouldn't hurt us again and would treat me better.

I had a feeling one time to search this kind of hidden area of the apartment. I found a notebook he had been journaling in. I was sick to my stomach reading what he wrote...

There was one time I came home from the store and found him crying. I asked what was wrong and he told me that he had just talked to his brother. That he had fallen and hurt his back and may be paralized from it. I found out from the journal that it was actually his girlfriend on the side had miscarried and he was grieving the loss of his child (I spoke to his brother later and found out nothing had ever happened to his back...)

I also found out that he had plotted my death. He had written in great detail about it.

It is an eerie, creepy feeling to read about how you are going to die.

We were going on a trip with my sister for my Birthday. We were going to be camping in Southern Utah. His plan was to wait util everyone was asleep, then he would smother me with saran wrap. Once I was dead he would go burn the saran wrap in the camp fire and go back to bed. He was going to place our 8 month old child over my face in the morning and claim she had smothered me in my sleep.

I found this after the trip. Something had gone wrong on the trip that made him unable to follow through with it.

Words cannot describe how I felt when I read that. How I still feel to this day about it. For many, many years I couldn't touch saran wrap or even see it without going into a panic attack and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I told him I read it. Do you know what he said??? "That journal was for therapy. The therapist told me to write OPPOSITE of how I feel. That is what I did." Wow, he really thought I was totally stupid. I never believed that excuse. I wanted to leave so badly. But he had me convinced that he would get custody because I was "crazy." So I told my sister about the journal and what was written in it. I told her I was going to give it to her the next time I saw her. I wanted someone to have proof so that when I ended up dead they would know he was to blame. I thought I had hidden it well enough... But he found it and got rid of it. So then he tried to convince me it didn't exist because I didn't have it to prove otherwise. I made it all up.

These are just a few things that I went through in that marriage. (and I am not going to include what my daughter went through, because that isn't my story to share, but hers) I was lucky that my parents stepped in. They paid for the divorce that I couldn't afford. I was so scared of getting the divorce. I believed him that I was nothing and that if I left him I would be alone forever. I believed him that he would take away my daughter if I tried to leave. But my parents had already paid for it, so I went through with it.

I had a complete breakdown. I know that doesn't make any sense. You would think that being free from an abusive marriage would have made me so happy. But after years of being molded to believe that I literally couldn't live without him, it wasn't so easy. Also, it was hard to face the truth of who I had married. That I would bring a child into this world with such a monster. I had no idea how to recover. I hadn't graduated high school. I had dropped out for stupid reasons. I had no training. If I worked AND paid for day care, I couldn't afford to live on my own. I didn't know what to do.

Some people shame those who have an emotional breakdown. They just don't understand. And they are lucky that they don't understand how it feels, but I wish they would at least try to be kind about it. When the only world you knew was torn down piece by piece by an abuser, then built back up to only be the way they formulate for it to be built back up.... you remove that foundation, which is the abuser, and everything crashes down. You can't remember who you were before they tore you down (or at least can't believe you could ever be that way again). You cannot fathom how you are going to rebuild your world back up ALL BY YOURSELF. It is scary. It is overwhelming. And unfortunately this happens to far to many women (I am sure it happens to men too, but more often to women).

I am here to tell you, IT IS POSSIBLE. Not only is it possible, but YOU CAN DO IT! You are worth it. You are worth facing that scary unknown. You may feel alone, but you aren't. I felt alone, but I really did have my family and I had Jesus Christ and God (even though at the time I wanted nothing to do with deity). Once I allowed myself to realize that I wasn't alone (even though my ex had worked hard for years to make me believe I had no one), things got easier and I was able to piece my life back together. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone.

This was a lot longer than I intended, but still feel it was supposed to be written. This is just part one... Look for part two soon. Trust me, part two gets happier :)

Day 9- Working On Being True To ME

I have always been pretty passive. It takes a lot to get me to be more aggressive (that is usually when my protective side comes out...to protect those I care about). Not that I want to be aggressive. There just isn't really much of a middle ground for me. I tend to let people boss me around and to tell me what to do. I have always been this way. Part of it is because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do and that my opinions don't matter or are wrong. So I tend to let people run my life. And because of that, I tend to feel most comfortable around strong personalities who tend to be a little (sometimes a lot) controlling. They have the strong personality that at times I wish I had and plus, when I am around them I don't have to think for myself. Which takes the pressure off of me.

Even though I feel that way, I really do hate being bossed around and am tired of being made to feel like I am wrong for my way of thinking. Therefore, this is another one of the things about me that I am working to change.

I tend to feel like I am putting others out by giving my opinion. Like tonight when my sweet sister-in-law asked what foods she can contribute to the family dinner we are hosting for my daughter's Birthday. I just said "Oh whatever you would like." Even after she specified a few of the items my daughter would like for dinner that she would be willing to bring, I basically said it was up to her what she wanted to bring. After a while of thinking about it, I thought to myself, "You are being ridiculous! She is offering to make homemade mashed potatoes for you. You know you want to tell her yes, just say it!" I finally texted her back and told her how nice it would be if she could make them.

Hmmm...that really wasn't that difficult. There wasn't any negative response to it. Why don't I do this more often??

Of course, most often the situations aren't that easy. There are plenty of times where me choosing to not be passive can offend someone or just make that person push back. The problem is that part of why I have become so lost is due to not voicing my own thoughts and running my own life. I do speak my mind most of the time with my husband and kids, but with others it is difficult. I realize, though, that I am setting a bad example for my kids.

My daughter who is about to turn 9 has followed in my footsteps. She is afraid to voice what she wants. Even just asking her what she wants for her Birthday dinner, she at first started getting excited listing food. Then she caught herself and shied away. She then turned it into, "I really don't care...whatever you want to make. What do YOU want to make?" Whenever asked an opinion or being asked about something she needs, she cowers a little. You see her shrink down and begin mumbling. She won't voice her thoughts or opinions. It makes me sad, especially since I know she learned it from watching me do the same. I have been making sure to tell her that I WANT to hear what she has to say and want to know what she needs or wants, but if I am not showing her in action how to do it then she probably won't be able to change that about herself.

Now to just figure out how to be stronger. I don't want to be bossy or controlling. I just want to be comfortable stating my wants, needs, opinions, thoughts, etc. To actually be sure of who I am. To be able to state an opinion and believe in it. Not let others so easily change my mind. There have been a couple things that I felt strongly about that someone was able to talk me into seeing it their way instead. After a few days of thinking I realized that I wasn't comfortable with it and my original opinion was what I did feel right acting upon. That person later talked me back into their way of thinking again. Same thing happened....I didn't feel right about it later on. I don't like that about myself.

I pray that on this journey of figuring out who I am, that I will get stronger and more sure of myself. That I can truly think that I am great just the way I am, even if others try to tear me down. One day I will believe that. I don't yet... But I will get there

Day 1- Finding Myself

My focus (for now) in becoming healthy is on my self esteem and figuring out who I am. It is so easy to get lost in the role of Mom. When my sister went through her divorce she went through the same self discovery. She wanted to figure out who she was, her opinions, likes, dislikes... So she would post daily a new thing she discovered about herself. I absolutely loved that. So I am borrowing her idea =)

Side note: You can read her amazing blog by clicking --> HERE <--


I didn't realize how hard it would be to figure out who I am. So I am going to start with an easy one...

I HATE seafood. Like really, REALLY, REALLY hate seafood. I hate the taste, I hate the thought of it, and most especially hate the smell!!

I get teased for hating seafood. After all, I grew up in "The Halibut Fishing Capital Of the World"!! I worked in a restaurant well known for it's seafood and clam chowder. When customers would ask my opinion of the chowder or seafood I would tell them I don't know because I don't like seafood. They would always be shocked and tease me haha.

You would think that I would have grown a taste for it since we had a lot of seafood when I was growing up. My family would go out and fish often. My dad would stock the freezer with fish so we would have it year round. I was lucky that my mom was sweet enough to always make me a piece of chicken whenever she would cook fish.


So there it is....I am sure this will be the easiest of my posts, but I figured start small =)

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.

My Struggles With Self Esteem

Today my oldest child started high school. (CRAZY!!!!) She is so scared to start high school. Girls were cruel enough in middle school and she is afraid of how they will treat her in high school. I don't get why girls are so cruel to each other... She has such low self esteem and the girls just tear her down even more. So we had a heart to heart last night.

As we talked, I opened up about what I went through in high school and what advice I have due to my experiences. I told her of the importance of self esteem because when you have low self esteem you often fall into making choices that aren't the greatest. We talked about how self esteem can't come from others and what a dangerous trap it is to rely on others words and opinions to either make or break your self esteem. One thing we talked about for how to build self esteem is affirmations. That if you are constantly telling yourself when you look in the mirror that you are fat or ugly, then that is all you will see when you look in the mirror- if even you lose weight or change things about how you look. But if you change that and tell yourself good things, then you will be able to start believing in yourself.

I shared with her the struggles that I had as a teen... (I omitted some parts when talking to her, but wanted to share the full story here)

At 16 I became anorexic. Partly because I thought I was fat and partly because I literally wanted to disappear. I was 5 ft 7 inches and only 85 lbs. I was a skeleton. Food was the enemy. I don't remember the exact length of time I was anorexic, but it was quite a while. I remember what ended it though. I don't think my parents knew what to do to help me. So one day my dad took me to the store with him. He said we weren't leaving until I filled the cart up with food that I would eat. It was very difficult for me to do, but I wasn't one to tell my dad no or disrespect him. So I reluctantly obliged him. I didn't want to waste his money once the food was bought so I ate that day. I felt so fat. So fat that I made myself sick and went into the bathroom and threw it up. I HATE HATE HATE throwing up!!! I have always had a fear of it. Thankfully I had a fear of throwing up because the bulimia attempt only lasted that day. And since I didn't want to disrespect my dad, I ate each day. Maybe not as much as I should've, but I did eat something at least.

That wasn't the end of my struggles though. I may have started eating, but my food issues didn't go away. Since then I have gone on bouts of binge eating and bouts of not eating. I struggle to find a healthy balance. I know I haven't been able to control myself with foods I love. I overeat all the time. So that makes me struggle with eating at all. There are times that I realize halfway through the day that I haven't eaten. Or nap time comes and I go hide in my room to get my "sanity time" which involves a tv show while I overeat on chocolate, chips, ice cream, junk, junk, junk! It is a horrible battle.

This all started due to low self esteem. Due to feeling like I was the loser, ugly, fat girl. My friend wore size 0 pants and I was a size 5 because of my hips, so that made me fat in my eyes. I still struggle with self esteem. I tell myself that when I lose weight and tone my body that I will be pretty, but I honestly don't believe that... Because I have been skinny and definitely saw ugly when I looked in the mirror.

I explained to my daughter that it is important to feel good about who you are and what you look like in the moment and not live in the "I will be pretty when..." Once you have been telling yourself that you are fat and ugly, that thought process doesn't actually just go away overnight once you get thin or once your acne clears up. You already believe the negative about yourself and the only way to get rid of the negative thought is to change the thought, not change your appearance. Sure doing your hair or wearing makeup can make you feel good about yourself, but it doesn't last. It is temporary if you don't have actual self esteem. Those that feel good about themselves and are confident in who they are have this different air about them. And they are good looking people! Whether or not they are the "world's" definition of good looking, they truly are beautiful/handsome.

I realized I need to follow my own advice. The saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" definitely applies to how we feel about ourselves also. It is important to be kind to ourselves. To find things we love about ourselves and to quit negative talk! It is time to look in the mirror and say LOVING things, not HATEFUL. It is ok to love yourself. It really is. It is ok to have self esteem (This is one thing I am struggling to believe, but know that I need to!).

So my goal is to set a better example for my kids. To gain self esteem. Feel good about who I am and how I look. I think that is just as important as making sure to lift up my kids self esteem. If I model what healthy self esteem looks like (let's be honest...those who are egotistical don't have a healthy self esteem! Arrogance is NOT attractive.) then my kids will know how to feel good about themselves and that it is ok to feel good about themselves.

So I will be making a list of affirmations about myself that I will say daily. Not just for myself, but because if I have self esteem it affects my kids, my husband, my marriage, and those around me. And darnit, I deserve to feel good about myself for once!

I encourage you to do the same. Write down affirmations- positive things about you. Then look in the mirror every day as you say them to yourself. I know it works. When I was around 10 years old my sister was upset that I kept saying how ugly I was. So she made me promise that every single time I saw a mirror or anything I could see my reflection in, that I would stop, look at myself, and tell myself I was beautiful. I did it and I did start feeling good about myself and felt happier. (I stopped because she made me mad....so to punish her I stopped the affirmations... the things kids do when mad *sigh*)

So please do it. I will too.

What Is Holding You Back?

We all have a reason for not being fit and healthy. Every single one of us.

Not everyone has the same reasons. The reasons can vary quite a bit. But we all have our reasons.

The important thing is to not let our reasons be an excuse! Because no matter what, there are things we can do to be healthier.

I have struggled with quite a few reasons and find that as I work on pushing aside my excuses that I find new ones. I have never really liked to exercise. As a teen I struggled with knee pain and asthma. I was already very skinny, so why exercise? It didn't matter what I ate, I still wouldn't gain anything; so why eat healthy? I didn't get a good routine set up then and it is much harder now that I am very set in my ways.

I LOVE donuts, cake, chocolate, cookies...Like I would be happy eating them for every meal and snack. I am addicted. They emotionally make me feel "better." I have always felt crummy after eating them, but my brain was happy and so I kept eating them. Addiction to junk food- my first main reason.

Figuring out that I am quite gluten intolerant forced me to change that. It is a lot more expensive to buy pre-made gluten free junk food. And making them was time consuming and I couldn't do it without my kids knowing; which meant that I would have to share! haha So I slowly phased out a lot of that food.

Ok, now I don't have that excuse... so why do I fight being fit and healthy?

I won't bore you with each and every thing that has arisen, but the most recent one that I have realized, which I think is the root of it, is this:

I don't feel worthy of having self esteem.

If I feel good physically, am strong, have a great body from working out, great skin from eating healthy....then the natural thing would be to feel good about myself and my looks- therefore having self esteem. I have never felt worthy of that. I have many past memories of my looks being made fun of embedded into my mind. So whenever I have felt like I look good I will hear those voices telling me I am ugly, my chin is too big, my nose is huge, etc. I hear a voice saying, "How can YOU have self esteem?? You are too ugly to have self esteem!"

And this is where I am stuck. In this horrible mindset. I am afraid of looking good. I am terrified of actually thinking that I look good. And this is a crummy place to be stuck.

Am I going to let this hold me back anymore?! NO! Ok...so on the inside I am really doubting my abilities to fight this mindset... But I think the first step is to recognize what I need to work on- check! Next thing to do is to fake it till I believe it- check! I am going to say I won't let it get in my way any more. Then I will remind myself of it again in a few minutes...and then again and again until I do finally believe I am strong enough AND WORTH IT to believe I deserve self esteem. I have to do this. For me, for my husband, and for my kids. They deserve the best me that I can possibly be. And until I feel good about myself, I can't be my best.

What is holding you back? It is time to peel back the layers and work on them one by one until you finally allow yourself to get healthy!