Day 1- Finding Myself

My focus (for now) in becoming healthy is on my self esteem and figuring out who I am. It is so easy to get lost in the role of Mom. When my sister went through her divorce she went through the same self discovery. She wanted to figure out who she was, her opinions, likes, dislikes... So she would post daily a new thing she discovered about herself. I absolutely loved that. So I am borrowing her idea =)

Side note: You can read her amazing blog by clicking --> HERE <--


I didn't realize how hard it would be to figure out who I am. So I am going to start with an easy one...

I HATE seafood. Like really, REALLY, REALLY hate seafood. I hate the taste, I hate the thought of it, and most especially hate the smell!!

I get teased for hating seafood. After all, I grew up in "The Halibut Fishing Capital Of the World"!! I worked in a restaurant well known for it's seafood and clam chowder. When customers would ask my opinion of the chowder or seafood I would tell them I don't know because I don't like seafood. They would always be shocked and tease me haha.

You would think that I would have grown a taste for it since we had a lot of seafood when I was growing up. My family would go out and fish often. My dad would stock the freezer with fish so we would have it year round. I was lucky that my mom was sweet enough to always make me a piece of chicken whenever she would cook fish.


So there it is....I am sure this will be the easiest of my posts, but I figured start small =)

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.

My First Obstacle Race

I have been meaning to write about this for a month, but time slipped away from me. In the end of May, I flew out to Indiana to spend time with family. My parents (who actually live just a couple miles from me), my 4 brothers, my 2 sisters, and I got to spend several days together (also several nieces and nephews). One of the things we did together was participate in a race called the Mud Stash (click HERE to see the website about it). It was so much fun. As an adult, I had only done one race, which was a 5k blacklight run. Never have I done anything with mud and obstacles!

I had completed the BeachBody 21 Day Fix a few days before the race. Thank goodness I did that because it prepared me much better than I would have been. We had a group of 14 doing the race together (my dad, 3 of my brothers, my sisters, and nieces and nephews) which made it seem to go by real fast. Some of the obstacles were very difficult, but I tried almost every single one. I learned that my upper body strength isn't where I need it to be. The monkey bar style ones were too hard for me to get very far on, but at least I did try!

Toward the end, with the finish line in sight (but about 4 obstacles left) I slipped off one in the water and slammed my knees into gravel. They were bleeding and swelling up fast. The old me I think would've just stopped then, but my first thought was, "I HAVE to finish this!" So after I took a moment to compose myself and the rest of our group was ready, we went on to the next obstacle. Dragging my knees as I army crawled in mud under ropes... I just kept going. (below: my brother, Josh, and I)

I made it to the finish line and got my first medal!

I can't put into words how great it felt to accomplish something like this. Other than childbirth, this was the most physically wearing thing I have ever done.

I have spent the past month having to do physical therapy for my knee. I hurt one of them much worse than the other (the doctor thought for sure I had fractured my knee cap and was surprised to see on the xray that I hadn't. Just hurt the pattelar ligament and deeply bruised my knee) so I wasn't able to do much for a while. I was on crutches and wearing a leg brace, plus doing physical therapy twice a week. I am not 100% yet, but almost there. Tomorrow is my last physical therapy appointment and I just got the go ahead to do my intense leg workouts to test out my knee.

I have 32 days left before my brother and I will be doing the Spartan, so I have to get back to my training!

I have never been one who has much physical strength, but I have always been one who is quite determined to finish what I start. I am working hard to gain the physical strength to go along with my determination so I will be unstoppable! :)

What do you do for YOU? I have found that I absolutely love the feeling of finishing a race. I want to do as many as my finances will allow. It makes me feel good about myself, it gives me a goal to work toward... it is important to have something that is just for you. Especially as a mom. This is something I do for me, for my health, for my emotional well being. What will you do for you?

My 21 Day Fix Results

This past week has been a bit crazy! Sorry for not posting.

Last week, I wrote about how I slipped on a toy and hurt my leg. It got worse, so I finally went to a doctor. Luckily it wasn't broken, but my fibula had a contusion. So she told me not to exercise my leg at all and let it rest. I had to modify my workouts and only workout my abs and upper body, but I still stuck with it!

Monday we had our weigh-in. We completed the 21 Day Fix. I was disappointed that I didn't lose as many inches in the past week, but with my injury I expected that. I did lose 2 lbs in the last week though!
Here is my before and after picture for the 21 day fix:

9 1/2 inches lost and just over 4 lbs in only 21 days is definitely something to be proud of, and I am. But most importantly, I am getting stronger and healthier. I am going to keep up with the regimen. This wasn't just a "quick fix" for me, this was to jumpstart my new healthy lifestyle.

If you would like to start a healthier lifestyle and join me on this journey, contact me at journeytoahealthymomma@gmail.com and I will help you find what can work best for your situation.
To order the 21 day fix program (or any other of Beach Body's great programs) CLICK HERE

Don't trust the scale....It likes to make you believe lies!

The scale is evil. How often have you worked hard, stepped on the scale, and saw NO difference or very little weight lost?? I swear the scale gets a laugh out of making people feel bad about themselves.

Scales tell you lies. They tell you that you have made no progress or barely any at all. They make you feel like it isn't worth putting the work in. Don't trust a scale.

So who do you trust??

Mr. Tape Measure!

Yup, he is kind. He likes to make you feel better about yourself and makes you want to keep pushing harder and harder to keep seeing results. I like him. He is my friend.

In the past 2 weeks of working hard and eating healthy (21 Day Fix by BeachBody along with Shakeology), I have only lost 2.2 lbs. Just barely over 2 lbs??? For all that work?? The scale is telling me that I am not doing good enough and should just give up.

But then my friend, Mr. Tape Measure, came along and set things straight.

"You lost an inch on your upper chest!
You lost a quarter inch on your left arm!
You lost 2.75 inches on your waist!
You lost 2 inches on your hips!
You lost half an inch on your right thigh!
You lost an inch on your left thigh!
You lost a total of 7 and a half inches!!! Way to go!"

Do you see why he is my friend? :)

If you truly want to see if all the work you are doing is making any difference, then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE measure along with weighing. Yes, weighing matters too, but as you are working out you are gaining muscle. And muscle weighs more than fat. See image below (I apologize, I know it is gross looking!)


This picture speaks volumes.

Let the tape measure be your cheerleader. If I can see a dramatic drop in inches in just 2 weeks, I know you can too!! My husband lost a total of 11.75 inches these past 2 weeks!

I will share my before and after pictures next Monday since that will be day 21. Looking forward to sharing my results!

What Is Holding You Back?

We all have a reason for not being fit and healthy. Every single one of us.

Not everyone has the same reasons. The reasons can vary quite a bit. But we all have our reasons.

The important thing is to not let our reasons be an excuse! Because no matter what, there are things we can do to be healthier.

I have struggled with quite a few reasons and find that as I work on pushing aside my excuses that I find new ones. I have never really liked to exercise. As a teen I struggled with knee pain and asthma. I was already very skinny, so why exercise? It didn't matter what I ate, I still wouldn't gain anything; so why eat healthy? I didn't get a good routine set up then and it is much harder now that I am very set in my ways.

I LOVE donuts, cake, chocolate, cookies...Like I would be happy eating them for every meal and snack. I am addicted. They emotionally make me feel "better." I have always felt crummy after eating them, but my brain was happy and so I kept eating them. Addiction to junk food- my first main reason.

Figuring out that I am quite gluten intolerant forced me to change that. It is a lot more expensive to buy pre-made gluten free junk food. And making them was time consuming and I couldn't do it without my kids knowing; which meant that I would have to share! haha So I slowly phased out a lot of that food.

Ok, now I don't have that excuse... so why do I fight being fit and healthy?

I won't bore you with each and every thing that has arisen, but the most recent one that I have realized, which I think is the root of it, is this:

I don't feel worthy of having self esteem.

If I feel good physically, am strong, have a great body from working out, great skin from eating healthy....then the natural thing would be to feel good about myself and my looks- therefore having self esteem. I have never felt worthy of that. I have many past memories of my looks being made fun of embedded into my mind. So whenever I have felt like I look good I will hear those voices telling me I am ugly, my chin is too big, my nose is huge, etc. I hear a voice saying, "How can YOU have self esteem?? You are too ugly to have self esteem!"

And this is where I am stuck. In this horrible mindset. I am afraid of looking good. I am terrified of actually thinking that I look good. And this is a crummy place to be stuck.

Am I going to let this hold me back anymore?! NO! Ok...so on the inside I am really doubting my abilities to fight this mindset... But I think the first step is to recognize what I need to work on- check! Next thing to do is to fake it till I believe it- check! I am going to say I won't let it get in my way any more. Then I will remind myself of it again in a few minutes...and then again and again until I do finally believe I am strong enough AND WORTH IT to believe I deserve self esteem. I have to do this. For me, for my husband, and for my kids. They deserve the best me that I can possibly be. And until I feel good about myself, I can't be my best.

What is holding you back? It is time to peel back the layers and work on them one by one until you finally allow yourself to get healthy!