5k and Personal Revelation

Today I participated in a 5k to raise money for a friend who has cancer. A large group of us ran/walked it at 9 this morning. It was in a local state park that is along the river. Absolutely beautiful area. It was only 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) when I left the house, so there was a bit of chill in the air. I was up late last night (technically this morning....I didn't go to sleep until after 1 am) so was pretty exhausted already, but I was excited to be able to participate and help raise money for my friend.

I had my four kids and dog with me. My youngest are almost 4 and 5, but they get tired real easy so I brought along the double stroller. I so wish that I had a jogger stroller, but instead I have a big, honkin' one that is long because one sits in front of the other. So there I was, pushing a big, heavy stroller with 90 lbs of extra weight. One that isn't made for terrain of any kind.

We started out on a flat area, but quickly came to a very steep hill through the woods. The trail isn't paved at all. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult to push that heavy load up that steep hill. If the steepness of the hills weren't bad enough.... they had these thin logs half buried going across the trail up and down the hills (I am guessing for footing or to keep strollers from running away?). Getting the stroller over those was hard. I had to lift the front wheels one at a time to get over it. It wasn't easy and one time I almost tipped the kids right over!

Roughly the first half was up and down hills. I quickly was all on my own with my two little ones. Every once in a while my 20 year old friend (who has a lot more energy than me! haha) would double back to help me, then run ahead again. But for the most part, I was alone with two of my kids (my older two and the dog took off ahead of us). Pushing that stroller up those hills cause my legs to burn with pain, my elbows to ache, and my shoulders to get sore. It was quite a challenge for me.

It took us a little over an hour to complete the race. By the time I got to the end, I was beat. I wanted to just go home and crash. By the time I got home I was starting to feel real good and felt accomplished and proud of what I had completed. And that got me thinking about how this race was a great metaphor for life.

Life isn't an easy, flat, paved path. It is definitely like the terrain I faced today. Some parts the hills (trials) were steeper than others and sometimes my load was heavier than others (my kids got out every once in a while to run, then got back in. On one hill I kicked them out of the stroller because I honestly couldn't push at all with the amount of weight bearing down on me). During the big trials, extra bumps were added that made facing the it even more challenging. There were times when I felt that I couldn't make it because the load was too heavy and the hill too big. Several of the times that I was feeling that way, my friend showed up and helped me to push the stroller up the hill or keep the stroller from going out of the control down the steep hills. Other times I did face it alone and had to muster up enough strength to bear through it. I doubted my ability to make it through parts of it, but I did it. I made it through. I was given strength to make it through. The hill didn't disappear, but sometimes I was able to gather more strength and other times I was blessed to have my burden made light (by the kids getting out), or someone helped me through it. At the end, I felt relief and proud that I made it through. I realized I was stronger than I thought I was.

I loved this realization. No matter what, we are going to have trials in life. There will be times when we feel we cannot make it through, that the pain is too much. We may feel we just aren't strong enough. We may just want to sit down and quit. But all that does is keep us in the trial. We don't go anywhere, we don't move forward, we remain stuck. Through help from God and His son Jesus Christ, we can get through the trials. Sometimes it is by giving us strength, sometimes by lightening our load, and sometimes by sending someone to help us. They are there for us and will help us through if we let them, if we accept the help.

As I sat down to write this, I had another realization. Tomorrow is Easter. I realized how well the experience goes along with the holiday. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We think of all He did for us as He suffered in Gethsemane. He took on the weight of our sins, He felt the sickness, the pain- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual... He felt it all. Because He has felt it all, He has a complete understanding of each and every thing that we may go through. He died and was resurrected that we too might have eternal life. By taking upon Himself our sins, we are clean (if we but repent) so can be worthy to be in God's presence again. He did all of this for each of us because of how much He loves us and cares about us.

(photo credit LDS.org)

Often times we don't recognize God's hand in our lives. During the good times we might forget that He helped us and blessed us with the things we were in need of. During the hard times we might feel like He has abandoned us. I have felt that way before. I felt alone and like God wasn't really there, like He had withdrawn from me. Really what happened was I had withdrawn from Him. I pushed HIM away, not the other way around. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is always waiting with open arms for His children to return to him. I truly believe that it hurts Him to see his children go through difficult times, but He knows with his infinite wisdom that by letting us go through these trials that we will come out so much stronger. He knows that our spiritual and emotional strength will increase and we will grow from the experiences. So although we may feel alone, He really is there. Sometimes for our benefit He may be on the sidelines, but He is there. He is cheering us on. He is rooting for us to succeed. He loves us with more depth than we can possibly comprehend. He loves YOU and He always will.

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.

5 Tips To Get Motivated

Some days it is just really hard to get going. Today is very much one of those days.

My 4 year old woke up because of a "sad dream" at 4 am. I had only been asleep for almost 4 hours so I just climbed into her bed so I could just go back to sleep and still have her be able to easily go back to sleep. But I don't sleep well in her bed, especially next to her- she moves constantly. So as you can imagine- I'm so very tired today that I just want to be napping.

My youngest is napping, so really I could get away with taking a nap. But then I think of all the many things that have to be done today and all the appointments and running around; and I know that this is my only chance to workout today.

After a while I was able to convince myself to get up off my bum and do the 21 Day Fix upper body workout. Doing the 30 minute workout- though exhausting and a hard workout- gave me some energy. When I was done, I wanted to burn some more calories so I got out the treadmill I bought a couple weeks ago, but hadn't actually used it.

This treadmill is a manual one that is inclined, so is a very hard workout. I lasted 10 minutes and that was with pushing it hard! I wanted to give up after only 3 minutes; which had felt like 20 haha.

My normal mindset over the years would be- I'm too tired, I'll work out tomorrow instead. Then the next day would come and I would say the same thing... It was a horrible pattern I got stuck in. I refuse to get back into that pattern again.

I have noticed this past week and a half that if I am tired and don't want to exercise, that if I just make myself get started then I will gain the energy to keep going.

If you find yourself not wanting to workout, try these tips:

#1- Start with something small- even just doing a warm-up. That should get your body and mind ready for a full workout. So don't focus on doing a 30 minute workout, just focus on a few short minutes at a time, then add another minute or 2 as you go. Soon you will be at 30!

#2- Workout with a video- I find that if I am just trying to come up with exercises to do rather than following someone's routine, then I don't do as much or work as hard.

#3- Make a list of the reason why you want to workout and refer to it as a motivator for pushing yourself to workout. (my biggest motivator is that my brother is driving over 12 hours to come do the Spartan Race with me this summer, so I HAVE to get in shape for it!)

#4- Bribe yourself!! Pick a treat that you will reward yourself with if you workout- "If I workout 30 minutes then I can sit and watch a tv show for 30 minutes." or "If I workout 3 times this week then I get to have a frozen yogurt." I am sure you can come up with some great motivators. Bribery works for kids, I think all parents are guilty of bribery to some degree haha, so why not use it on ourselves?!?! Just make sure to go for healthy rewards so that you don't undo all your hard work. (a little chocolate here and there is fine...and GOOD in my opinion haha, but not a bag full of chocolate!)

#5- Join a team that you check in with. There are so many different online resources for this. My husband and I are part of the Beach Body community. We have a coach who motivates us. There are challenges we can be a part of to win prizes and be held accountable for exercising and eating right. That has been helping both of us a lot!

Have you found something that helps get you motivated to get your workout in? Leave a comment below. I would love to hear your tips too!

I CAN Do This

A few years back, when I weighed 50 lbs more, I had friends who made rather discouraging comments. One, who considered me his best friend, actually said to me, "You just need to accept the fact that you are fat and always will be." Another "good" friend would often tell me I was fat and that she loved me anyway. My in-laws also often made comments. The one that still sticks in my mind- because it hurt the most- was when we were trying to take a family picture. I set up the camera with a timer then was going to go join them. One of them made the comment that I was too big to fit in the picture.

Comments like those hurt. They hurt bad. And they don't help at all! During the time these comments were made, my husband and I were working hard to lose weight. We had a Biggest Loser competition going on between us. We were both losing weight (definitely not as fast as the people on the show though!). No matter how hard I tried, the comments were said. And even when they weren't being said to me- they were still stuck in my mind. So I gave up. My closest friends didn't believe in me, so why try any more? I figured I would always be fat.

Their words still often come to my mind, but now instead of letting them make me crawl back into my tub of chocolate ice cream- I just tell myself, "I am going to prove them wrong!" Course I already have. I have lost 54 lbs already! I am proud of that. Sure, I am not skinny like I was back in high school, but guess what?! I wasn't healthy when I was skinny in high school! I want to be healthy and I am on my way there.

Now I have a great support group. I think that is why this time I will stick with it. I have done 30 minutes or more of exercise every day this week (Monday through Saturday) and I WILL keep going.

If you are on your journey to getting healthy, make sure that you have a good support group and do your best to tune out the ones who will put you down and make you feel less than you are. Because YOU are amazing. YOU are capable of getting healthy. And YOU are worth the time and effort! I truly believe that about you.

I Was Craving Jogging..... WHAT?!?!?!

I don't know what to do with all of this new-found energy! Today I just had so much energy pent up inside that I went to a local state park and jogged almost 2 miles on a very hilly path through the woods. I am not a runner. I normally am not even a jogger. But today I was seriously craving a jog.

It was so beautiful out and peaceful. I listened to music, breathed in the fresh air, and pushed my body to it's limit. And it felt GOOD! I am not even sure how to process this haha! This isn't the me I've known for 33 years. This isn't the me that I was even a few days ago. This commitment to a healthier me has really changed a lot in such a short time.

I am eating healthier, I am exercising no matter how badly I don't want to, I am focused on bettering myself. The results so far in just a few short days? I am happier. I had been trying to get out of a depression funk for months. I am finally out of it. I am already feeling more confident in myself and having self esteem. I have gone my whole life with barely ever feeling good about myself and I feel better about myself right now than I ever have before. I feel good. And saying it makes me feel even better!

I am even seeing physical changes already too. Which is just crazy.

All it takes it making a choice. Not a doing something because your doctor told you to, your spouse told you to, a friend told you to... But because YOU decided in your heart, mind, and soul that you want to be a better you. Every time I have tried to get healthier, it was half-hearted. This time my whole heart is in it. It helps that I have a support system to help me, but I am not doing FOR them, I am doing it for ME. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about life and the future.

Day 3- Things Are Looking Up

When I woke up today, I didn't want to move. My muscles were tense and sore and I again, figured staying in bed would be nice. But I had scheduled a chiropractor appointment this morning, so had to get up. Once I started moving, my body felt a little better, but still very sore. I couldn't imagine getting through my exercise routine today.

At my appointment, my chiropractor told me of a supplement (creatine monohydrate) that he uses to lessen the affects of the sore muscles. So after I finished my appointment I went and bought some. I wasn't about to try and do my workout for the day without it! :) I got home and mixed it in with my Shakeology for my breakfast then soon after I started my workout.

My husband and I decided to do the workout together today since he has the day off. I am sure we looked absolutely ridiculous... two adults struggling to do the moves the "correct" way, moaning and groaning as we do the simpler/modified versions. We seriously both made pained sounds throughout. There were times I actually collapsed onto the mat during the 20 second rest periods and really didn't want to get back up. Of course my friend's pug (we are dog-sitting today) thought that was great and came over to nuzzle her nose into my face/neck. Then she and our dog fought for our attention as we were exercising! Are you envisioning this? If you are, then I hope you are enjoying a good laugh! :)

On today's workout, the quote they had written on the chalkboard said,

" If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!"

I thought about how many times I have started an exercise program, only to give up a few days in because the pain was too much. If I just push through then I can get past the pain, strengthen my body, and not have to go through the excruciating pain part again! This time I am sticking with it. I have my husband and friend who are my "coaches" to keep me going and keep me accountable. They encourage me and help me through the hard parts. I think that is why this time I won't give up- this time I am not just relying on myself, but having encouragement to help me through.

I hope that through sharing my struggles and how I worked through them, that maybe I can help others who are going through it too. Taking control of your health is important. I am 33 and just starting to finally realize how important it truly is.

Also, cute dogs and laughs are important so I made this :)

Day 2- I Just Want To Cry...

I will be totally honest...I just wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything today. I didn't want to eat the 21 Day Fix diet, I didn't want to exercise, I just wanted to lay in my cozy bed eating popcorn and chocolate all day. I was so worn out and sore today that I could hardly move. I only got up because I had to take my toddlers to the doctor. I wasn't looking forward to the day at all.

My hamstrings, quads, and calves are so sore that to go from standing to sitting is EXCRUCIATING!!! Just barely squatting my legs to go to sit gives me pain. The top of my abs are insanely sore too. Proof of how out of shape I am!

As much as I didn't want to eat right and exercise, I convinced myself to do it. Throughout the day when I would see food I knew I couldn't eat, I would have to seriously force myself not to pig out on it. Then when I got the kids down for their nap and I knew I needed to exercise while I could, I really had to make myself do it. It wasn't easy. I had to really push through the workout and modify the moves like crazy because my body just couldn't do it today. But I did do it!

One thing I loved that they said on the workout video was, "It won't get any easier. You get better." That really made me think. Not just about exercise, but life in general.

In my first post I said,

"Health isn't just about what the scale says. Health encompasses physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. I want to be healthy in all aspects."

So this is where I am addressing the other parts of my health. Life is hard. Parenting is HARD. It won't get any easier...but I will get better. Just like in exercise- getting through the trial may start out rough and painful, it may feel like it will never be over and that I won't live through it; but I will get stronger. The trials WILL make me stronger. I truly believe that. I just need to remind myself of it more often :)