5k and Personal Revelation

Today I participated in a 5k to raise money for a friend who has cancer. A large group of us ran/walked it at 9 this morning. It was in a local state park that is along the river. Absolutely beautiful area. It was only 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) when I left the house, so there was a bit of chill in the air. I was up late last night (technically this morning....I didn't go to sleep until after 1 am) so was pretty exhausted already, but I was excited to be able to participate and help raise money for my friend.

I had my four kids and dog with me. My youngest are almost 4 and 5, but they get tired real easy so I brought along the double stroller. I so wish that I had a jogger stroller, but instead I have a big, honkin' one that is long because one sits in front of the other. So there I was, pushing a big, heavy stroller with 90 lbs of extra weight. One that isn't made for terrain of any kind.

We started out on a flat area, but quickly came to a very steep hill through the woods. The trail isn't paved at all. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult to push that heavy load up that steep hill. If the steepness of the hills weren't bad enough.... they had these thin logs half buried going across the trail up and down the hills (I am guessing for footing or to keep strollers from running away?). Getting the stroller over those was hard. I had to lift the front wheels one at a time to get over it. It wasn't easy and one time I almost tipped the kids right over!

Roughly the first half was up and down hills. I quickly was all on my own with my two little ones. Every once in a while my 20 year old friend (who has a lot more energy than me! haha) would double back to help me, then run ahead again. But for the most part, I was alone with two of my kids (my older two and the dog took off ahead of us). Pushing that stroller up those hills cause my legs to burn with pain, my elbows to ache, and my shoulders to get sore. It was quite a challenge for me.

It took us a little over an hour to complete the race. By the time I got to the end, I was beat. I wanted to just go home and crash. By the time I got home I was starting to feel real good and felt accomplished and proud of what I had completed. And that got me thinking about how this race was a great metaphor for life.

Life isn't an easy, flat, paved path. It is definitely like the terrain I faced today. Some parts the hills (trials) were steeper than others and sometimes my load was heavier than others (my kids got out every once in a while to run, then got back in. On one hill I kicked them out of the stroller because I honestly couldn't push at all with the amount of weight bearing down on me). During the big trials, extra bumps were added that made facing the it even more challenging. There were times when I felt that I couldn't make it because the load was too heavy and the hill too big. Several of the times that I was feeling that way, my friend showed up and helped me to push the stroller up the hill or keep the stroller from going out of the control down the steep hills. Other times I did face it alone and had to muster up enough strength to bear through it. I doubted my ability to make it through parts of it, but I did it. I made it through. I was given strength to make it through. The hill didn't disappear, but sometimes I was able to gather more strength and other times I was blessed to have my burden made light (by the kids getting out), or someone helped me through it. At the end, I felt relief and proud that I made it through. I realized I was stronger than I thought I was.

I loved this realization. No matter what, we are going to have trials in life. There will be times when we feel we cannot make it through, that the pain is too much. We may feel we just aren't strong enough. We may just want to sit down and quit. But all that does is keep us in the trial. We don't go anywhere, we don't move forward, we remain stuck. Through help from God and His son Jesus Christ, we can get through the trials. Sometimes it is by giving us strength, sometimes by lightening our load, and sometimes by sending someone to help us. They are there for us and will help us through if we let them, if we accept the help.

As I sat down to write this, I had another realization. Tomorrow is Easter. I realized how well the experience goes along with the holiday. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We think of all He did for us as He suffered in Gethsemane. He took on the weight of our sins, He felt the sickness, the pain- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual... He felt it all. Because He has felt it all, He has a complete understanding of each and every thing that we may go through. He died and was resurrected that we too might have eternal life. By taking upon Himself our sins, we are clean (if we but repent) so can be worthy to be in God's presence again. He did all of this for each of us because of how much He loves us and cares about us.

(photo credit LDS.org)

Often times we don't recognize God's hand in our lives. During the good times we might forget that He helped us and blessed us with the things we were in need of. During the hard times we might feel like He has abandoned us. I have felt that way before. I felt alone and like God wasn't really there, like He had withdrawn from me. Really what happened was I had withdrawn from Him. I pushed HIM away, not the other way around. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is always waiting with open arms for His children to return to him. I truly believe that it hurts Him to see his children go through difficult times, but He knows with his infinite wisdom that by letting us go through these trials that we will come out so much stronger. He knows that our spiritual and emotional strength will increase and we will grow from the experiences. So although we may feel alone, He really is there. Sometimes for our benefit He may be on the sidelines, but He is there. He is cheering us on. He is rooting for us to succeed. He loves us with more depth than we can possibly comprehend. He loves YOU and He always will.

Why Am I Me? Part Two

There is life after abuse.

For a long time I didn't think that was true or possible, but it is very much true. A very good life is possible after abuse.

Part one of this blog was so incredibly difficult for me to write. It shared my darkest part of my life. A part that I have tried for years to forget about, but haven't succeeded in. I have realized that as much as I want to forget it ever happened, that it was best to not forget it. It is better to make sure to learn from it and help others who may go through similar situations. It has been 12 1/2 years since my divorce. I have come along ways since then, but still have things I am trying to heal from.

After my divorce, I moved in with my parents. They were so supportive of me and getting me emotionally healthy. I went to floral design school, which truly is where I started to find myself and feel like I could actually be something. I still struggled for quite a while after that, but eventually I got a job at a flower shop. I was working full time and going to school to finish my high school diploma. I felt pretty good about myself. School was hard. I had failed my science class in high school so needed a science credit. I took an anatomy and physiology course. It was the toughest class I had ever taken! I worked so hard, though, and I passed the class with a B+.

I have to admit, I wanted to rub it in his face... Look at me! I graduated high school while working full time and being a single mom! See?? I can do it! You were wrong!

A couple things were missing, though. I still didn't have a place of my own and I really wanted to move on and date. (ultimately get remarried)

I ended up meeting Adam (almost 3 years after the divorce). I knew right away that he was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but I knew it would be a mistake to give up. He had growing up to do and I had emotional baggage to let go of. We both had a lot of work to do. We have now been married for 9 years. He adopted my daughter and has always treated her as his own. In fact we often forget that she isn't his blood child because it feels like this is the only family we have had. We have had 3 more children, also.

I honestly never thought that after my divorce, I would ever get remarried. I didn't think I deserved a good marriage. On occasion I find my ex's words popping into my mind. The words that tear me down. Words that make me feel not good enough and like Adam is going to leave me for someone better because I am not good enough. I try to be strong and ignore them, but it can be difficult. In fact I will be doing really well when it hits me the hardest.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

“We generally think of Satan attacking us at our weakest spot. … But weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas where we are proud of our strengths. He will approach us through the greatest talents and spiritual gifts we possess. If we are not wary, Satan can cause our spiritual downfall by corrupting us through our strengths as well as by exploiting our weaknesses”

My self esteem is my weakness and the adversary knows that. I have over the years become stronger and felt good about myself and who I am today, only to have my self esteem attacked. Having my strength tested.

My husband is so sweet to me. He knows the struggles that I have and does everything he can to counteract the negative thoughts I have. He compliments me, he tells me how much he appreciates me, he holds me when I am struggling. I am so blessed. I still fight an almost daily fight, though. Because satan doesn't want me to be happy and strong. And each time I become strong, something or someone changes that.

Don't let satan win. That is what I have to keep reminding myself.

I have been looking back over the years, trying to figure out why I still have a lot of the same problems. As I would get more emotionally healthy, I can see a pattern of falling back into not being as strong as I was. It wasn't until very recently that I figured out the cause. I may have stopped having toxic relationships ("love" wise), but I shifted to having toxic friendships. This was a very hard reality to face.

I spent years being torn down by my ex, being told what to think, feel, do, etc. That, as twisted as it sounds, became where I felt emotionally safe. Because obviously I wasn't good at making my own decisions (I had made so many bad ones for so long) so it was safer to let someone else make my decisions. But I am now married to a man who doesn't control me, who doesn't like to be the decision maker... So over the years I clung to friendships that were that way. It took the pressure off of me to just let someone else pretty much control my life and it felt safe. But during the times of having those types of friendships, I have seen myself change. Not a good change. I look back and see the declining of the strength I once had, declining of my self esteem, declining of my happiness, and even declining of my standards.

I have ended many of these friendships, but each time would replace it with another one. I just didn't realize it. Now that I have, though, I can change that.

I am not blaming anyone, but myself. I am not saying those friends were or are horrible people. They had strong personalities and I didn't (don't). In order for me to become a healthy individual I need to actually be an individual. I need to make my own decisions, have my own thoughts, and stay strong in my values and standards.

Now that I have made this discovery, I am able to regain my strength. I won't let satan win. When he throws things at me to tear down my strength I am going to stand tall and strong. I am going to throw them right back in his face. I know that as I come closer to God, that I will become stronger and stronger. For He can "make weak things become strong." (Ether 12:27)