Why Am I Me? Part Two

There is life after abuse.

For a long time I didn't think that was true or possible, but it is very much true. A very good life is possible after abuse.

Part one of this blog was so incredibly difficult for me to write. It shared my darkest part of my life. A part that I have tried for years to forget about, but haven't succeeded in. I have realized that as much as I want to forget it ever happened, that it was best to not forget it. It is better to make sure to learn from it and help others who may go through similar situations. It has been 12 1/2 years since my divorce. I have come along ways since then, but still have things I am trying to heal from.

After my divorce, I moved in with my parents. They were so supportive of me and getting me emotionally healthy. I went to floral design school, which truly is where I started to find myself and feel like I could actually be something. I still struggled for quite a while after that, but eventually I got a job at a flower shop. I was working full time and going to school to finish my high school diploma. I felt pretty good about myself. School was hard. I had failed my science class in high school so needed a science credit. I took an anatomy and physiology course. It was the toughest class I had ever taken! I worked so hard, though, and I passed the class with a B+.

I have to admit, I wanted to rub it in his face... Look at me! I graduated high school while working full time and being a single mom! See?? I can do it! You were wrong!

A couple things were missing, though. I still didn't have a place of my own and I really wanted to move on and date. (ultimately get remarried)

I ended up meeting Adam (almost 3 years after the divorce). I knew right away that he was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but I knew it would be a mistake to give up. He had growing up to do and I had emotional baggage to let go of. We both had a lot of work to do. We have now been married for 9 years. He adopted my daughter and has always treated her as his own. In fact we often forget that she isn't his blood child because it feels like this is the only family we have had. We have had 3 more children, also.

I honestly never thought that after my divorce, I would ever get remarried. I didn't think I deserved a good marriage. On occasion I find my ex's words popping into my mind. The words that tear me down. Words that make me feel not good enough and like Adam is going to leave me for someone better because I am not good enough. I try to be strong and ignore them, but it can be difficult. In fact I will be doing really well when it hits me the hardest.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

“We generally think of Satan attacking us at our weakest spot. … But weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas where we are proud of our strengths. He will approach us through the greatest talents and spiritual gifts we possess. If we are not wary, Satan can cause our spiritual downfall by corrupting us through our strengths as well as by exploiting our weaknesses”

My self esteem is my weakness and the adversary knows that. I have over the years become stronger and felt good about myself and who I am today, only to have my self esteem attacked. Having my strength tested.

My husband is so sweet to me. He knows the struggles that I have and does everything he can to counteract the negative thoughts I have. He compliments me, he tells me how much he appreciates me, he holds me when I am struggling. I am so blessed. I still fight an almost daily fight, though. Because satan doesn't want me to be happy and strong. And each time I become strong, something or someone changes that.

Don't let satan win. That is what I have to keep reminding myself.

I have been looking back over the years, trying to figure out why I still have a lot of the same problems. As I would get more emotionally healthy, I can see a pattern of falling back into not being as strong as I was. It wasn't until very recently that I figured out the cause. I may have stopped having toxic relationships ("love" wise), but I shifted to having toxic friendships. This was a very hard reality to face.

I spent years being torn down by my ex, being told what to think, feel, do, etc. That, as twisted as it sounds, became where I felt emotionally safe. Because obviously I wasn't good at making my own decisions (I had made so many bad ones for so long) so it was safer to let someone else make my decisions. But I am now married to a man who doesn't control me, who doesn't like to be the decision maker... So over the years I clung to friendships that were that way. It took the pressure off of me to just let someone else pretty much control my life and it felt safe. But during the times of having those types of friendships, I have seen myself change. Not a good change. I look back and see the declining of the strength I once had, declining of my self esteem, declining of my happiness, and even declining of my standards.

I have ended many of these friendships, but each time would replace it with another one. I just didn't realize it. Now that I have, though, I can change that.

I am not blaming anyone, but myself. I am not saying those friends were or are horrible people. They had strong personalities and I didn't (don't). In order for me to become a healthy individual I need to actually be an individual. I need to make my own decisions, have my own thoughts, and stay strong in my values and standards.

Now that I have made this discovery, I am able to regain my strength. I won't let satan win. When he throws things at me to tear down my strength I am going to stand tall and strong. I am going to throw them right back in his face. I know that as I come closer to God, that I will become stronger and stronger. For He can "make weak things become strong." (Ether 12:27)

Let's Talk About Anxiety...

I originally started this blog as a weightloss journey. I planned to update about my progress of weight and inches lost, my physical progress, exercise tips, and recipe ideas. I quickly realized that focusing on just the physical wasn't going to get me where I need to go. The name of my blog is "Journey to a Healthy Momma". I know I've mentioned before that health is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. But I still kept focusing only on looks. My goal (although I told myself was about a healthy body) was to look good. I have been so insecure about my body for years and I wanted to finally feel good about it. Feel like my husband won't be embarrassed to admit he is married to me...

Due to focusing on only this aspect, I lost myself. I didn't take time to focus on my deeper issues that led to me being unhealthy. Plus, after completing the Spartan race, I just stopped exercising and focusing on eating healthy. I have stopped working on being a healthy mom.

One thing I really want to address is something that I believe plagues a lot of people. That is anxiety and the affect it can have on your health.

I struggle with anxiety. I have general anxiety as well as social anxiety. For a while my anxiety wasn't very bad, but since I haven't been taking care of myself it is through the roof. People who haven't suffered anxiety often don't understand and think you can just take anti-anxiety medication and "get over it." It is not that simple.

Imagine walking into a room full of the snobbiest people in the world. You are in the middle of the room and they are all looking at you. You suddenly realize that you are naked. They are staring, sneering, making horrible comments. They snub their noses at you and make faces of disgust. They are judging every part of you. Your stomach is too flabby, your legs are too skinny, you are too hairy, etc. They pick at every part of how you look and use it to pass judgement of WHO you are. Your heart is beating fast, you don't want to look into anyone's eyes, you just want to run and find a safe place to hide.

That is social anxiety. Sure, when I go to the store I am not standing there naked in front of snobby people. But I may as well be. Because the way you would feel in the above scenario is how someone with social anxiety feels nearly all the time.

When I talk to people, I am constantly thinking that I sound like a complete idiot. I believe they are bored of anything I have to say and what I have to say is unimportant. People who don't respond when I talk, or are looking at their phone instead of me when we are talking just make this feeling worse. So in my mind I crawl into my safe place and stop talking. I prefer to just be home in my safe place, but even there I have anxiety that my family thinks I am just an idiot and not worth their time.

The anxiety may not be there all the time. At times I will actually feel comfortable and enjoy being around people. I never know which version of me is going to be present so that gives me anxiety about planning ahead for social gatherings. Because I don't know how I will be feeling in that future time.

There is a lot more to social anxiety. Hopefully that brief insight will help those who don't understand, be able to understand it.

Anxiety is draining. Physically, emotionally, mentally draining. It is draining for the person who has the anxiety AND for those close to that person. It can affect marriages and friendships. People can become overwhelmed by dealing with someone who has anxiety. And those of us with anxiety are fully aware of that (unfortunately, that makes the anxiety worse...because we are constantly worried that we are too much for our spouse, family, or close friends).

So what can you do if someone you love and/or care about has anxiety? The answer isn't a simple cut and dry answer. I have a blanket answer: just be there for them. That can mean something different at different times.
*It could mean be there to listen to them when they need to talk (TRULY listen AND hear what they have to say).
*It could be sitting silently together just looking off into the distance.
*Or maybe it could be that you talk about whatever is going on in your life to help take the person's mind off their own life (you talk, they listen and don't need to come up with responses).
*At times a hug is needed.
*Sending a text out of the blue to see how they are doing or let them know you are thinking of them (trust me, this one can truly help!).
*Ask how they are doing and actually want to hear the answer (instead of wanting to hear the typical "I'm good" that everyone says even when they aren't good...dig deeper, show you care).

Having any kind of relationship with someone with anxiety can take work, but hopefully you can see it is worth it. Because I am not my anxiety. I have so much more to me than just having anxiety. That goes for anyone who has anxiety. Hopefully people can see past the anxiety and see the great people that are hiding behind it.

There are times when the only way to change the way your life is going is to do it yourself and there are times when you need others to help lift you up (sometimes carry you....or drag you...) until you are strong enough to do it for yourself. It can be a roller coaster ride at times, but with the right support system you can do anything.