Let's Talk About Anxiety...

I originally started this blog as a weightloss journey. I planned to update about my progress of weight and inches lost, my physical progress, exercise tips, and recipe ideas. I quickly realized that focusing on just the physical wasn't going to get me where I need to go. The name of my blog is "Journey to a Healthy Momma". I know I've mentioned before that health is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. But I still kept focusing only on looks. My goal (although I told myself was about a healthy body) was to look good. I have been so insecure about my body for years and I wanted to finally feel good about it. Feel like my husband won't be embarrassed to admit he is married to me...

Due to focusing on only this aspect, I lost myself. I didn't take time to focus on my deeper issues that led to me being unhealthy. Plus, after completing the Spartan race, I just stopped exercising and focusing on eating healthy. I have stopped working on being a healthy mom.

One thing I really want to address is something that I believe plagues a lot of people. That is anxiety and the affect it can have on your health.

I struggle with anxiety. I have general anxiety as well as social anxiety. For a while my anxiety wasn't very bad, but since I haven't been taking care of myself it is through the roof. People who haven't suffered anxiety often don't understand and think you can just take anti-anxiety medication and "get over it." It is not that simple.

Imagine walking into a room full of the snobbiest people in the world. You are in the middle of the room and they are all looking at you. You suddenly realize that you are naked. They are staring, sneering, making horrible comments. They snub their noses at you and make faces of disgust. They are judging every part of you. Your stomach is too flabby, your legs are too skinny, you are too hairy, etc. They pick at every part of how you look and use it to pass judgement of WHO you are. Your heart is beating fast, you don't want to look into anyone's eyes, you just want to run and find a safe place to hide.

That is social anxiety. Sure, when I go to the store I am not standing there naked in front of snobby people. But I may as well be. Because the way you would feel in the above scenario is how someone with social anxiety feels nearly all the time.

When I talk to people, I am constantly thinking that I sound like a complete idiot. I believe they are bored of anything I have to say and what I have to say is unimportant. People who don't respond when I talk, or are looking at their phone instead of me when we are talking just make this feeling worse. So in my mind I crawl into my safe place and stop talking. I prefer to just be home in my safe place, but even there I have anxiety that my family thinks I am just an idiot and not worth their time.

The anxiety may not be there all the time. At times I will actually feel comfortable and enjoy being around people. I never know which version of me is going to be present so that gives me anxiety about planning ahead for social gatherings. Because I don't know how I will be feeling in that future time.

There is a lot more to social anxiety. Hopefully that brief insight will help those who don't understand, be able to understand it.

Anxiety is draining. Physically, emotionally, mentally draining. It is draining for the person who has the anxiety AND for those close to that person. It can affect marriages and friendships. People can become overwhelmed by dealing with someone who has anxiety. And those of us with anxiety are fully aware of that (unfortunately, that makes the anxiety worse...because we are constantly worried that we are too much for our spouse, family, or close friends).

So what can you do if someone you love and/or care about has anxiety? The answer isn't a simple cut and dry answer. I have a blanket answer: just be there for them. That can mean something different at different times.
*It could mean be there to listen to them when they need to talk (TRULY listen AND hear what they have to say).
*It could be sitting silently together just looking off into the distance.
*Or maybe it could be that you talk about whatever is going on in your life to help take the person's mind off their own life (you talk, they listen and don't need to come up with responses).
*At times a hug is needed.
*Sending a text out of the blue to see how they are doing or let them know you are thinking of them (trust me, this one can truly help!).
*Ask how they are doing and actually want to hear the answer (instead of wanting to hear the typical "I'm good" that everyone says even when they aren't good...dig deeper, show you care).

Having any kind of relationship with someone with anxiety can take work, but hopefully you can see it is worth it. Because I am not my anxiety. I have so much more to me than just having anxiety. That goes for anyone who has anxiety. Hopefully people can see past the anxiety and see the great people that are hiding behind it.

There are times when the only way to change the way your life is going is to do it yourself and there are times when you need others to help lift you up (sometimes carry you....or drag you...) until you are strong enough to do it for yourself. It can be a roller coaster ride at times, but with the right support system you can do anything.

My Struggles With Self Esteem

Today my oldest child started high school. (CRAZY!!!!) She is so scared to start high school. Girls were cruel enough in middle school and she is afraid of how they will treat her in high school. I don't get why girls are so cruel to each other... She has such low self esteem and the girls just tear her down even more. So we had a heart to heart last night.

As we talked, I opened up about what I went through in high school and what advice I have due to my experiences. I told her of the importance of self esteem because when you have low self esteem you often fall into making choices that aren't the greatest. We talked about how self esteem can't come from others and what a dangerous trap it is to rely on others words and opinions to either make or break your self esteem. One thing we talked about for how to build self esteem is affirmations. That if you are constantly telling yourself when you look in the mirror that you are fat or ugly, then that is all you will see when you look in the mirror- if even you lose weight or change things about how you look. But if you change that and tell yourself good things, then you will be able to start believing in yourself.

I shared with her the struggles that I had as a teen... (I omitted some parts when talking to her, but wanted to share the full story here)

At 16 I became anorexic. Partly because I thought I was fat and partly because I literally wanted to disappear. I was 5 ft 7 inches and only 85 lbs. I was a skeleton. Food was the enemy. I don't remember the exact length of time I was anorexic, but it was quite a while. I remember what ended it though. I don't think my parents knew what to do to help me. So one day my dad took me to the store with him. He said we weren't leaving until I filled the cart up with food that I would eat. It was very difficult for me to do, but I wasn't one to tell my dad no or disrespect him. So I reluctantly obliged him. I didn't want to waste his money once the food was bought so I ate that day. I felt so fat. So fat that I made myself sick and went into the bathroom and threw it up. I HATE HATE HATE throwing up!!! I have always had a fear of it. Thankfully I had a fear of throwing up because the bulimia attempt only lasted that day. And since I didn't want to disrespect my dad, I ate each day. Maybe not as much as I should've, but I did eat something at least.

That wasn't the end of my struggles though. I may have started eating, but my food issues didn't go away. Since then I have gone on bouts of binge eating and bouts of not eating. I struggle to find a healthy balance. I know I haven't been able to control myself with foods I love. I overeat all the time. So that makes me struggle with eating at all. There are times that I realize halfway through the day that I haven't eaten. Or nap time comes and I go hide in my room to get my "sanity time" which involves a tv show while I overeat on chocolate, chips, ice cream, junk, junk, junk! It is a horrible battle.

This all started due to low self esteem. Due to feeling like I was the loser, ugly, fat girl. My friend wore size 0 pants and I was a size 5 because of my hips, so that made me fat in my eyes. I still struggle with self esteem. I tell myself that when I lose weight and tone my body that I will be pretty, but I honestly don't believe that... Because I have been skinny and definitely saw ugly when I looked in the mirror.

I explained to my daughter that it is important to feel good about who you are and what you look like in the moment and not live in the "I will be pretty when..." Once you have been telling yourself that you are fat and ugly, that thought process doesn't actually just go away overnight once you get thin or once your acne clears up. You already believe the negative about yourself and the only way to get rid of the negative thought is to change the thought, not change your appearance. Sure doing your hair or wearing makeup can make you feel good about yourself, but it doesn't last. It is temporary if you don't have actual self esteem. Those that feel good about themselves and are confident in who they are have this different air about them. And they are good looking people! Whether or not they are the "world's" definition of good looking, they truly are beautiful/handsome.

I realized I need to follow my own advice. The saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" definitely applies to how we feel about ourselves also. It is important to be kind to ourselves. To find things we love about ourselves and to quit negative talk! It is time to look in the mirror and say LOVING things, not HATEFUL. It is ok to love yourself. It really is. It is ok to have self esteem (This is one thing I am struggling to believe, but know that I need to!).

So my goal is to set a better example for my kids. To gain self esteem. Feel good about who I am and how I look. I think that is just as important as making sure to lift up my kids self esteem. If I model what healthy self esteem looks like (let's be honest...those who are egotistical don't have a healthy self esteem! Arrogance is NOT attractive.) then my kids will know how to feel good about themselves and that it is ok to feel good about themselves.

So I will be making a list of affirmations about myself that I will say daily. Not just for myself, but because if I have self esteem it affects my kids, my husband, my marriage, and those around me. And darnit, I deserve to feel good about myself for once!

I encourage you to do the same. Write down affirmations- positive things about you. Then look in the mirror every day as you say them to yourself. I know it works. When I was around 10 years old my sister was upset that I kept saying how ugly I was. So she made me promise that every single time I saw a mirror or anything I could see my reflection in, that I would stop, look at myself, and tell myself I was beautiful. I did it and I did start feeling good about myself and felt happier. (I stopped because she made me mad....so to punish her I stopped the affirmations... the things kids do when mad *sigh*)

So please do it. I will too.

Truth About The 21 Day Fix

Beach Body's 21 Day Fix touts that you can lose weight fast in 21 days by following the program. You get color coded containers that portion your food and help you to know how much of each type of food to eat. You also get an exercise program that has 7 different days of workouts (plus a 10 min ab workout); you do one each day of the week.

(below is a picture of what you get with the challenge pack. The Shakeology is a great whole food meal replacement protein shake that gives you energy, cuts down the cravings, and helps flatten your tummy... I will write another blog later to go more in depth about it.)

Sounds like a great gimmick, right? For some it draws them in... "I need to lose weight fast, this sounds great!" And to others it turns them off, "I hate quick fix diets...they aren't healthy and aren't long term."

I want to address these thoughts and talk about what the purpose of this program really is.

Ok...yes, it partly is a gimmick in a way. Who doesn't want to have a quick fix for their weight!?!? It takes so much time and effort to lose weight that the title really is a draw. And you really do lose weight and dramatic inches in the 21 days.

But is it healthy? Is it the right way to go?

It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit. So as you are consistently working out each day and having portion control with your food (and the right types of food), you are actually retraining your brain and forming a habit. So although it is played off as a quick fix, it is actually the beginning of a lifestyle change.

For someone who either never works out or rarely works out, the 21 Day Fix is a great start. It helps you get into a routine. And by having it in your mind that you WILL do ALL 21 days and follow it to a T those 3 weeks, it is much easier to start doing. Then once you get to day 21 and realize you are done, you already have formed the habit, you have seen the results, you feel so much better, and so much stronger that you want to make eating healthy and exercising a part of your daily life. And Beach Body has a lot of other great exercise programs that you can do once you are tired of doing the ones in the 21 Day Fix. (You can also pay for Beach Body on Demand so that you can access many different programs!)

I was hesitant to do the 21 Day Fix, but I was really glad that I did it. I am almost to my goal weight and am stronger than I was before (I completed the Spartan Race, so that is proof enough for me that this program helped me get stronger!) I am planning on doing it again because I have gotten out of the habit of exercising since I hurt my knee at the end of May. I need to re-form my habit!!

So do I recommend it? Yes I do! Not just because my husband and I are Beach Body coaches, but because we have both done this program and love it. We both have seen great results and believe in this program whole heartedly. My husband is unable to do intense cardio because of having a pacemaker, but he is able to do the exercises (there is a person showing you how to modify if needed).

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at journeytoahealthymomma@gmail.com
Also, visit our coach page and check out what Beach Body has to offer by clicking here

I am more than happy to help you reach your fitness goals.

I am Spartan! Aroo!

Last Saturday I completed my first Spartan. My brother, his son, my daughter and I all got free races for volunteering so we raced during the volunteer heat (the last one of the day). We were literally the very last people doing the race....and were the very last people on the course for a long time. We ended up passing quite a few people once we got past the dreaded hills.

I will be honest...I was scared of doing the race. I was scared I wouldn't be able to physically finish it. I figured I would end up doing many, many, many burpees (you have to do 30 burpees for each obstacle you don't finish). There were 23 obstacles and I only had to do burpees for one. The last obstacle before the finish line; the rope climb.

Here is me doing my burpees... haha



The race stared out going up a very steep hill. We decided that we would run up it because we figured one of our spouses was videoing us so wanted to look good. Once we were out of their sight I had to slow down because my tachycardia kicked in and so did my arrhythmia. The first part of the race (a huge part of the race) was a lot of steep hills. We went to the top of a small mountain. I slowed down, but kept going. I finally got my tachycardia to slow down, but then I started getting calf cramps. I had to stop and stretch my calves out, but kept going.

I kept pushing myself. It felt good. I was determined that no matter what, I was going to finish. Thankfully they encouraged team work. So on some obstacles we helped each other. The ones I needed help with were things like the monkey bars because I just didn't have the upper body strength to hold myself up that long.

We got to the barbed wire crawl. This race is done on a motocross course. The barbed wire crawl was done on the "whoops jumps" area. So was a series of mini hills in a row for about 50 yards. It is muddy and long. It wasn't easy to crawl/roll under the barbed wire. My arms are pretty bruised up from it! But what really made it hard for me was that both my calves seized up. The cramp in each calf went from my ankles up almost to my knees. Solid, hard as a rock, cramps. It was incredibly painful! I kept trying to crawl through the pain and it just kept getting worse.



I finally decided to try one of the honey energy gel packs I brought that happened to have some potassium. Thankfully that wiped out the cramp! I was able to finish the crawl and move on to carrying a bucket of rocks up a steep hill. (side note hint: one of the workers told me that to prevent calf cramps in a race like that to take a couple Midol pills before the race. He swears by it!)

My daughter hit her shoulder blade real hard during the barbed wire crawl so was struggling to do much. I had her take a bunch of her rocks and add them to my bucket. It was so heavy and hard to carry since there wasn't a handle. It took us a while, but we were able to complete that challenge (course on the way down the hill, I slipped and fell... hit my bum hard on a large rock and spilled my bucket everywhere. Had to pick up as many rocks as I could and continue on)



After we got done with carrying the buckets of rocks up and down a hill, we had to climb up an insanely muddy hill! It was hard, but pretty fun too. I don't know why, but I do love challenges like that.



Completing this race is a very proud moment for me. I get to check it off my bucket list! :) It was challenging and I didn't give up. I pushed through the pain, I pushed through the challenges, and I did it. It may have taken me 3 hours and 43 minutes to complete, but what matter is that I did finish! I may be bruised...

....But I came out feeling better about myself and my abilities.

It is worth it to push past fears and challenge yourself to complete something you never thought was possible!

3rd Race This Year

When I was a kid I did a race called the Spit Run up in Homer, Alaska. I barely made it. It was pretty long. I think I was around 10 when I did it. That was the only race I had ever done. Then this year happened.

I did a 5k in April with my husband and 4 kids. It was pretty fun and easy. I didn't run because I stayed with my husband (he has a pacemaker and cannot run because it could set off the pacemaker) and was pushing my 2 toddlers in the huge double stroller; also they would get out every once in a while and walk it. Honestly, I wouldn't have actually run though, I don't run... :)

Then in May I did my very first obstacle race. It was so fun! It made the plain ol' 5k seem very boring. I realized just how much I prefer the challenge.

Tomorrow is my first Spartan race.... My brother is on his way from Utah. He, his son, my oldest daughter, and I will be doing the race. My brother has done many (he has a trifecta!), but for the rest of us it is a first! It is a lot more intense than the Mud Stash that I did. The Spartan has harder obstacles and if you cannot complete them then you do 30 burpees. It is going to be a major challenge. I am excited!

But....

I am also terrified!!!

This is going to be the most physically difficult thing I have ever done. (and I have given birth 4 times! haha)

With my health problems comes muscle weakness and fatigue. So that worries me. My arm gets tired just from holding up the hair dryer, so I worry I will have big struggles with the challenges. BUT I also know my personality. When I am determined to finish something then I will force myself to finish it. I will find a way. I don't care how long this race takes me to complete, I just care that I do complete it!

Today I am resting up my body and hydrating as much as I can. Tomorrow is a big day.

I will hopefully be able to post early next week about how the race went! My husband will be taking pictures so I will add those also. Wish me luck!

Scales Aren't the Only Things That Lie...

It is crazy the tricks that our minds play on us. When I look in the mirror I still tend to see a fat girl looking back at me. I believe what the mirror is showing me. I then feel down and frustrated that my work is for nothing. Which makes me sneak junk food and not work out as often as I should. I believe the lies the mirror is telling me.

The other day I went to my brother's house. His teenage daughter gave me a hug and she said something like, "woah, that is so weird. You are so skinny!" I was caught off guard! It made me feel good and also made me wonder if that was true. Was I really thin now? But the girl I see in the mirror isn't thin...

Today was a really rough day with the kids. They were fighting with each other, treating me poorly, etc. I was in a horrible mood and wanted to run away. By the time I got the two youngest to bed I had already planned I was just going to leave and walk for a couple hours by myself (tempted to not go back home for a long long long LONG time...). I had my shoes on and I was ready to leave after I tucked in my 4 year old. My husband peaked his head into the room when I was reading her a book and asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him when I was done. I decided it would be less lonely to run away if he were with me =)

We normally only walk about a mile, but with how I was feeling tonight we just kept walking. We ended up walking 3.8 miles (speed walking a lot of the time).

Ok, so how does this have anything at all to do with the first part of my blog??? I'll tell you...

When I was feeling so down and angry, I was feeling crummy about myself. I saw the fat ugly girl in the mirror. At first on our walk I still felt that way, but by mile 1 I was starting to feel a little better. I had emotionally cooled down. I was enjoying my husband's company. The endorphins were flowing. I went to look at the ground and saw this small body. My first thought was of confusion. Whose body was that??? Because it couldn't possibly be mine! I realized that the mirror had been lying and that because I have been stressed and not exercising as much as I should, my depression started kicking in. And when depressed I tend to believe the negative over the positive.

I may not be at my goal for how I want my body to look. I still have toning to do, I still have strength to gain, but I need to quit believing the lies that I am still the 210 lb fat girl I was just a few years ago. I have lost 64 lbs!!! I just walked 3.8 miles without getting out of breath and could've easily walked further. I am healthier than I have ever been and will continue to get better. And for now on, I will call the mirror out on it's lies and let myself see my progress and be proud of how far I have come.

Alone With My Thoughts

I have mentioned before that getting healthy isn't just physical health. Mental, emotional, and spiritual health are just as important. This post is focusing on those aspects of health.

Today my friend was in need. She needed me to deliver something important 2 hours away. I gladly helped her out, but honestly was a little afraid to be alone with my thoughts. I was happy to get to have a 4 hour break from everything and not have kids fighting or demanding things from me, but I'm not used to being left alone to think. So that made me feel a little anxiety.

I turned up the music so I wouldn't think much, but some music brought back memories and so did some places I drove by. Those memories were hard to have resurface. I tried quickly to push them back to the far back of my mind to keep them hidden like I've done for years. Because that is safer...

Then a scene from a show that I watched earlier today popped into my head. The girl had been sexually assaulted. She was embarrassed and felt ashamed. She felt if anyone knew they would see her as unfit for her job (she was a police officer) and see her as a victim. She was told that by not speaking out about it, that she was a victim. But that if she pressed charges, spoke out about it then she wouldn't be a victim any more. She would be taking back the power.

This made me think a lot. All these years of being ashamed, feeling guilt, and embarrassment. All these years of hiding what I went through. I didn't allow myself to heal. It is all still buried deep inside me. It tears me apart daily. It has made me feel powerless. I'm tired of feeling powerless.

As long as I keep everything buried instead of actually healing from it, my mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, AND my physical health WILL be affected. Now it is figuring out how to heal.

I think that often times when someone is struggling with weight issues and some health issues, that they have things buried that they need to figure out how to dig back up, deal with it, heal from it, and never let it weigh them down again. It is a hard thing to do and I'm not sure yet HOW to do it.. but I think it is important enough to figure out so that I can be a healthier person on all levels.

What things do you need to work through in order to allow yourself to get healthy? I encourage you to ponder that question.