Day 9- Working On Being True To ME

I have always been pretty passive. It takes a lot to get me to be more aggressive (that is usually when my protective side comes out...to protect those I care about). Not that I want to be aggressive. There just isn't really much of a middle ground for me. I tend to let people boss me around and to tell me what to do. I have always been this way. Part of it is because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do and that my opinions don't matter or are wrong. So I tend to let people run my life. And because of that, I tend to feel most comfortable around strong personalities who tend to be a little (sometimes a lot) controlling. They have the strong personality that at times I wish I had and plus, when I am around them I don't have to think for myself. Which takes the pressure off of me.

Even though I feel that way, I really do hate being bossed around and am tired of being made to feel like I am wrong for my way of thinking. Therefore, this is another one of the things about me that I am working to change.

I tend to feel like I am putting others out by giving my opinion. Like tonight when my sweet sister-in-law asked what foods she can contribute to the family dinner we are hosting for my daughter's Birthday. I just said "Oh whatever you would like." Even after she specified a few of the items my daughter would like for dinner that she would be willing to bring, I basically said it was up to her what she wanted to bring. After a while of thinking about it, I thought to myself, "You are being ridiculous! She is offering to make homemade mashed potatoes for you. You know you want to tell her yes, just say it!" I finally texted her back and told her how nice it would be if she could make them.

Hmmm...that really wasn't that difficult. There wasn't any negative response to it. Why don't I do this more often??

Of course, most often the situations aren't that easy. There are plenty of times where me choosing to not be passive can offend someone or just make that person push back. The problem is that part of why I have become so lost is due to not voicing my own thoughts and running my own life. I do speak my mind most of the time with my husband and kids, but with others it is difficult. I realize, though, that I am setting a bad example for my kids.

My daughter who is about to turn 9 has followed in my footsteps. She is afraid to voice what she wants. Even just asking her what she wants for her Birthday dinner, she at first started getting excited listing food. Then she caught herself and shied away. She then turned it into, "I really don't care...whatever you want to make. What do YOU want to make?" Whenever asked an opinion or being asked about something she needs, she cowers a little. You see her shrink down and begin mumbling. She won't voice her thoughts or opinions. It makes me sad, especially since I know she learned it from watching me do the same. I have been making sure to tell her that I WANT to hear what she has to say and want to know what she needs or wants, but if I am not showing her in action how to do it then she probably won't be able to change that about herself.

Now to just figure out how to be stronger. I don't want to be bossy or controlling. I just want to be comfortable stating my wants, needs, opinions, thoughts, etc. To actually be sure of who I am. To be able to state an opinion and believe in it. Not let others so easily change my mind. There have been a couple things that I felt strongly about that someone was able to talk me into seeing it their way instead. After a few days of thinking I realized that I wasn't comfortable with it and my original opinion was what I did feel right acting upon. That person later talked me back into their way of thinking again. Same thing happened....I didn't feel right about it later on. I don't like that about myself.

I pray that on this journey of figuring out who I am, that I will get stronger and more sure of myself. That I can truly think that I am great just the way I am, even if others try to tear me down. One day I will believe that. I don't yet... But I will get there