Day 11- I am Strong

I am strong!

Ok, so I don't fully believe that statement, yet... But looking back at my life, I can see that it is true. The things I have been through are proof that I am strong and am getting stronger.

I got married at 18. It ended up being a bad situation. I spent 3 years being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. He was also a "gas-lighter" (I had never known this term until lately, but when I read about it I felt like I was reading exerts from my first marriage). During those 3 years I felt weak. I didn't feel I could leave. I didn't feel like I deserved better. Little by little I got stronger, until I finally was able to leave him. Due to the emotional control, that was the most difficult thing I had ever faced. I am stronger because of it, though.

During my divorce and one other time (the tragic death of a close friend) I actually felt like I couldn't survive it. Yet, I did. I may have felt weak while it was happening, but all these years later I am able to see that I wasn't weak. I was only going through the normal grieving process. I worked past it and that shows just how strong I am. I have become more emotionally strong because of those (and many other) experiences.

I have also become physically strong! I may not be as strong as I want to be, but when I compare myself to how I was before- I sure am strong!

Last year I completed two obstacle mud races and a 5k. This year I am going to do the Spartan again and this year I am training more so I know I will be do better than last year.

It is exciting to look ahead at the goals I have set and know I can accomplish, but it is also a great feeling to look back on my life and see how far I have come, how strong I have become. I may not always realize it, I may not always believe it, but it is true. I am strong and am continually getting stronger. The only one I need to compare myself to is ME. So far, I am beating my old self by a huge margin. Soon I won't even be able to look back and see my old self, just the newer "old self".

I'd like to end with a couple quotes from two very wise men.

“You are not competing with anyone else. You are only competing with yourself to do the best with whatever you have received.”
~L. Tom Perry

“If today you are a little better than yesterday, then that’s enough.”
~David A. Bednar

Day 10- I Am Un-Materialistic

I am un-materialistic.

Is that even a real word?? I tried finding the opposite of "materialistic" and couldn't find a word that really worked. All I know is, I am NOT materialistic.

I am sure this is a trait that my husband greatly appreciates =) When he proposed to me, we were both very poor. He felt guilty buying me an engagement ring at Walmart. Spending maybe 1-2% of the amount that most would spend on an engagement ring. But guess what.... I LOVED it. I actually was happier with that ring that I would've been with a $2,000 ring. I don't do flashy jewelry. I don't do expensive jewelry (or anything else for that matter). The reaction by some woman has been amusing because they would have been offended to be given a ring that didn't cost thousands of dollars. Personally, I find it ridiculous to spend that much money on jewelry when that could instead buy a reliable car, pay rent or mortgage, pay bills, put food on the table... I have even had some make comments about how he needs to get me a real ring (an expensive ring). I told them, "No way! I love my ring and honestly don't want an expensive one. I would be mad if he bought me an expensive ring." That statement seems so foreign to many people.

My husband now knows that I am sentimental and not into expensive things. I think the most expensive gift he has given me was my Kitchenaid mixer. I LOVE practical gifts and he has learned that by now.

I don't own a ton of shoes or clothes. I don't buy expensive purses. My favorite purse was one that I paid 50 cents for at a garage sale!

I don't find my happiness in possessions. Of course having a house and vehicles are wonderful and make my life better. But I don't have a huge, fancy house. I don't have new cars. I have a very basic house that is actually on the small side for a family of 6. We have vehicles that are old and not in the best condition, but they work. I know that possessions will never bring happiness. A lot of my happiest memories are ones from time spent out in nature, not of things I owned or how much money I spent on something.

I can close my eyes and very vividly go back to this place I loved. When I was in high school we lived in a very small cabin in the woods up in Alaska. The cabin overlooked a small lake. I spent many hours sitting on the hillside overlooking the lake. I would sit in the tall grass and plants growing wild, close my eyes and lift my head up towards the sky as the breeze would blow across my skin. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. Breathing in the clean, pure, majestic nature around me. That moment, I can still go back to. Right at this very moment I am there. I can feel it. I am taken back to those beautiful moments of peace, serenity, and pure happiness. I can feel the stresses of my day have completely faded away.

Possessions can't make me feel that way. Getting caught up in materialistic things completely destroys that feeling for me. I would rather be poor and have that feeling of tranquility and joy than to have a big house, fancy cars, popular name brand clothes/shoes/purses, high end electronics, etc.

I guess you could say that I am just down-to-earth. This is a trait of mine that I actually really like. Finding things about me that I actually like has been difficult, but this is one thing that I really do like and don't want to ever change about me.

(The above picture is not from the cabin I wrote about. We lived there pre-digital camera days. This is one I took in Washington.)

Day 9- Working On Being True To ME

I have always been pretty passive. It takes a lot to get me to be more aggressive (that is usually when my protective side comes out...to protect those I care about). Not that I want to be aggressive. There just isn't really much of a middle ground for me. I tend to let people boss me around and to tell me what to do. I have always been this way. Part of it is because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do and that my opinions don't matter or are wrong. So I tend to let people run my life. And because of that, I tend to feel most comfortable around strong personalities who tend to be a little (sometimes a lot) controlling. They have the strong personality that at times I wish I had and plus, when I am around them I don't have to think for myself. Which takes the pressure off of me.

Even though I feel that way, I really do hate being bossed around and am tired of being made to feel like I am wrong for my way of thinking. Therefore, this is another one of the things about me that I am working to change.

I tend to feel like I am putting others out by giving my opinion. Like tonight when my sweet sister-in-law asked what foods she can contribute to the family dinner we are hosting for my daughter's Birthday. I just said "Oh whatever you would like." Even after she specified a few of the items my daughter would like for dinner that she would be willing to bring, I basically said it was up to her what she wanted to bring. After a while of thinking about it, I thought to myself, "You are being ridiculous! She is offering to make homemade mashed potatoes for you. You know you want to tell her yes, just say it!" I finally texted her back and told her how nice it would be if she could make them.

Hmmm...that really wasn't that difficult. There wasn't any negative response to it. Why don't I do this more often??

Of course, most often the situations aren't that easy. There are plenty of times where me choosing to not be passive can offend someone or just make that person push back. The problem is that part of why I have become so lost is due to not voicing my own thoughts and running my own life. I do speak my mind most of the time with my husband and kids, but with others it is difficult. I realize, though, that I am setting a bad example for my kids.

My daughter who is about to turn 9 has followed in my footsteps. She is afraid to voice what she wants. Even just asking her what she wants for her Birthday dinner, she at first started getting excited listing food. Then she caught herself and shied away. She then turned it into, "I really don't care...whatever you want to make. What do YOU want to make?" Whenever asked an opinion or being asked about something she needs, she cowers a little. You see her shrink down and begin mumbling. She won't voice her thoughts or opinions. It makes me sad, especially since I know she learned it from watching me do the same. I have been making sure to tell her that I WANT to hear what she has to say and want to know what she needs or wants, but if I am not showing her in action how to do it then she probably won't be able to change that about herself.

Now to just figure out how to be stronger. I don't want to be bossy or controlling. I just want to be comfortable stating my wants, needs, opinions, thoughts, etc. To actually be sure of who I am. To be able to state an opinion and believe in it. Not let others so easily change my mind. There have been a couple things that I felt strongly about that someone was able to talk me into seeing it their way instead. After a few days of thinking I realized that I wasn't comfortable with it and my original opinion was what I did feel right acting upon. That person later talked me back into their way of thinking again. Same thing happened....I didn't feel right about it later on. I don't like that about myself.

I pray that on this journey of figuring out who I am, that I will get stronger and more sure of myself. That I can truly think that I am great just the way I am, even if others try to tear me down. One day I will believe that. I don't yet... But I will get there

Day 8- I Am Fatigued

970 minutes.

That is the amount of minutes scheduled weekly for appointments (I include church, church activities, and extra curriculars in that). Then add roughly 580 minutes of drive time to all of those appointments. I am not including doctor appointments that might pop up. This is a normal week. These appointments happen EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

1,550 minutes or almost 26 hours are spoken for every week.

Now I am adding in an exercise class 3 days a week. Which is another 180 minutes plus 60 minutes drive time. (but this is something I really need. My "me" time to help me on my journey to be healthier.)

Almost 30 hours of each week is planned. Then to think of the time spent grocery shopping, making meals, helping kids with homework, cleaning the house... Can I even begin to estimate those minutes/hours????

*sigh*

I am EXHAUSTED!!

My health problems cause me great fatigue rather easily. So when I am busy like this, I get extremely burnt out. This results in me having a couple days or more where I just can't get up and do as much. My body just shuts down and I can barely get out of bed. Due to that, I have become more of a homebody than I ever was before. These past couple days where I didn't have anything too pressing to do, I didn't fight the fatigue. I just let my body rest and catch up. (Can we say Netflix binge?!?!)

It is hard enough to keep up with all the duties of being a mom. Then to add health problems just really makes it rough. As a mom, though, I feel the need to put on a front. To pretend I have it all together and just fake that I can keep up. Put a smile on my face and act like I can handle it all. Because there are so many other moms out there who have even more to do and they don't complain! But I think the reality is that the other moms probably feel just as frazzled as I do. We all try so hard to put this fake "put together mom" front, "super mom" front, that we over do it.

I don't mean to say dads don't have it hard. My husband is plenty busy between work, school, and being a dad. But there is something so incredibly draining as a mom to be driving kids around (especially when you have little ones you have to get in and out of the car seats over and over, and take kids multiple potty breaks when out and about), dealing with the kids 24 hours a day, the fighting, the constant redirecting the kids to do what you have asked them to do, riding the emotional roller coaster of each different kids temperament and emotions... Mom's rarely get a break from the kids, especially a mental break. Where dads tend to get to go focus on work and have a nice, quiet commute. (Same goes for stay at home dads. They know just how stay at home moms feel!)

I love my life as a mom. (most of the time...) This is what I always dreamed of having. But at this point in time, due to my health, it is just hard to do it all. At this point in time, FATIGUE is part of who I am. I have some good days, but more bad days than good. But I am done with feeling guilty for this being who I am. This may not be how I always am (I truly hope to find an alternative medicine to help my health conditions so I don't have to live with this the rest of my life), but right now this is who I am and that is not something that I need to feel guilty about.

So on my good days I will do everything I am able to do. On my bad days, I will do what little bit I can manage to do and just be grateful to be alive and for having a wonderful, understanding husband. I was once told by a friend that everything has its season. This is the season I am in and I will find joy in it the best I can. That doesn't mean that I will give up on trying to improve, but it means I won't be so hard on myself for not being able to do certain things at this time.

Day 7- Anger

At the beginning of this new journey for me, I planned to write a self discovery each day. As you can tell by looking back at my posts, I keep skipping days... It has definitely been challenging for me to write this. Partly because I am opening myself up to EVERYONE. Anyone can read these blog posts. That kind of scares me! And part of the challenge has been to find the good parts about me to share.

I could fill up many days worth about negative things about me and I have been trying to focus on my positive attributes/talents/etc. I wrote about being flawed, but that was quite vague. Today has been a difficult day. Actually, the past several days have been difficult. I have had a couple people put my anger to the test and so anger is on my mind tonight as I attempt to write.

Now how can I put a positive spin on my anger? Well, I really can't. I know that anger is a weakness that I need to work on. Am I justified in my anger? Actually, as a matter of fact I am quite justified. Does it make it ok for me to be angry? Well...that depends what I do with the anger. Do I act out with it? Do I learn from it? Do I let it fuel me to do something good to better the situation?

The quickest way to make me angry is to lie to me or about me. I have had both happen a lot recently. One of the people it is a normal thing so I should be used to it, but the other person I didn't expect it from. So it has really shaken me up and made my anger come out. Tonight I was so angry that I actually had the thought cross my mind of how good it would feel to punch this certain person in the face. Don't worry, I would NEVER actually do that. I am not a violent person. But I was mad enough that I actually thought about it.

Where do I go from here? Justified as it may be, how would Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want me to act during this test of my anger?

I can guarantee they wouldn't want me to punch anyone...

Part of self discovery is to notice the negative things about ourselves and to turn them into positive things. I get angry. I yell when I am angry and if I don't yell then I bottle it up and always end up exploding about something small later on. That isn't WHO I am, but it is something I have that I struggle with. I don't have to let it control my life and I don't have to just sit back and say, "I am an angry person, that is just who I am so don't expect me to be any other way." I know this is something that I want to change about myself and now I need to make a plan (and follow through with it) on how I can change it.

The things that make me most angry have to do with dishonesty. I cannot change other people. I cannot force others to be honest. All I can do is make sure that I am being honest. I have always tried hard to be honest, but I know at times I fall short. I feel guilty at being dishonest. So much so that I actually become physically ill if I lie.... (a BIG guilty conscience was given to me when God made me!). I even feel guilty if someone asks how I am and I say, "I'm good" when really I am depressed and barely able to force a smile. There is a balance, though. Not every person who asks how I am is actually wanting a 100% truthful answer. They don't want to know of the many struggles I am facing. And I most definitely don't want to share my life details with everyone I cross paths with. But I can change things so when I am asked, "How are you?" I say, "Eh, could be better. How are you?" or "I'm still breathing, so there's that!" Anything that isn't actually lying =)

The biggest problem, though, is in others being dishonest with me or about me. Because that is beyond hurtful and feels like a stab to the back and heart at the same time. I honestly am not sure how to veer my anger in those situations. But I do think that realizing the anger stems from feeling hurt by it and then to be able to voice that would be a good start. "It hurt me to be lied to, it hurt me to be lied about." I need to allow myself to have a voice, just not a loud, booming voice...

I found this picture (above) that I took almost 9 years ago. Maybe only in my mind, but it seemed to me a perfect picture for how I am feeling. A lie sparked a fire (anger) in me. I can keep the fire contained, but still keep stoking it and adding wood to it (dwelling on the lies) or I can let it die out. Realizing that if I keep the fire going I am going to hurt myself or others or both (not meaning physically). I can use the fire for good, if used right. Like a fire being used to prepare food or give warmth. But it is easy to let it get out of control when adding to the fire.

As I finish writing this, I realize another thing about myself... I think a lot more clearly as I write. It really is healing. But I will save that for another day!

Day 6- I am a Mormon

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- aka the Mormon church.

I was born into a Mormon family and was raised Mormon, but I left the church when I was a teenager. There are many reasons why I left as a teenager, but one thing I wanted was to not have "Mormon" be something that I was described as being. To me, it wasn't part of my identity and I didn't want it to be.

Here I am, almost 34, and I am singing a much different tune. I am now realizing just how much being a Mormon is part of who I am. I am not ashamed of it like I once was. In fact, I am proud of it being part of who I am. It just took an eleven year hiatus for me to figure that out.

Why am I a Mormon? I am a Mormon because in my heart I believe The Bible and The Book of Mormon to be true. They testify of Christ and teach us how to return to live with Heavenly Father. I have read the Book of Mormon and know without a doubt the truths that it teaches. I believe the doctrine taught by the church. I believe in the importance of the family unit. I know that Jesus Christ lives and atoned for my sins because he loves me (and everyone) THAT much.

Honestly, I could write pages on all the specific things that I believe about this church. But to me, one of the things that stands out the most to me is the difference of how I felt when I had nothing to do with the church versus how I have felt since coming back. I spent 11 years doing whatever I wanted because I decided I wasn't going to let a church tell me what I could or couldn't do. I thought I would be happier not having restrictions. I smoked, I drank, I used marijuana. I married young to a man who treated me very badly and was abusive. I thought all these choices would free me, but instead I felt trapped and empty. I divorced and started a new life. I later remarried, but I still felt empty.

Then 6 years ago my husband became interested in the Mormon church. I went with him to church and sat in on his missionary lessons. I started feeling the emptiness grow smaller. The hole I had for 11 years was going away. I realized that the very thing I had been running away from for all those years was the very thing I needed in my life. I began to realize that the "restrictions" weren't punishments like they had felt like before, but were guidelines to keep me safe. I went back to following the "rules" of the church- no smoking/drinking/drugs/swearing/coffee... I dedicated myself to repenting and healing myself through Christ.

During the past 6 years, we have definitely had many trials. In fact the biggest trials of our 9 year marriage have been during the last 6 years. Being religious and giving your life to God doesn't take away the trials by any means. In fact a lot of the time I find it to be the opposite effect. Tests of faith come often. And I don't always pass the tests at first, but I do eventually find my faith again and strengthen it. I know that more tests will come, but I am so grateful that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to lean on during those trials. I am also grateful to have a wonderful man of God to be by my side and face the trials with me.

I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our individual needs. He loves each and every one of us, His children, so incredibly much. He listens when we pray and is eager to hear from each of us. It doesn't matter who you are, what religion you are or aren't- He is there for you always.


If you would like to learn more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints please go to www.mormon.org