5k and Personal Revelation

Today I participated in a 5k to raise money for a friend who has cancer. A large group of us ran/walked it at 9 this morning. It was in a local state park that is along the river. Absolutely beautiful area. It was only 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) when I left the house, so there was a bit of chill in the air. I was up late last night (technically this morning....I didn't go to sleep until after 1 am) so was pretty exhausted already, but I was excited to be able to participate and help raise money for my friend.

I had my four kids and dog with me. My youngest are almost 4 and 5, but they get tired real easy so I brought along the double stroller. I so wish that I had a jogger stroller, but instead I have a big, honkin' one that is long because one sits in front of the other. So there I was, pushing a big, heavy stroller with 90 lbs of extra weight. One that isn't made for terrain of any kind.

We started out on a flat area, but quickly came to a very steep hill through the woods. The trail isn't paved at all. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult to push that heavy load up that steep hill. If the steepness of the hills weren't bad enough.... they had these thin logs half buried going across the trail up and down the hills (I am guessing for footing or to keep strollers from running away?). Getting the stroller over those was hard. I had to lift the front wheels one at a time to get over it. It wasn't easy and one time I almost tipped the kids right over!

Roughly the first half was up and down hills. I quickly was all on my own with my two little ones. Every once in a while my 20 year old friend (who has a lot more energy than me! haha) would double back to help me, then run ahead again. But for the most part, I was alone with two of my kids (my older two and the dog took off ahead of us). Pushing that stroller up those hills cause my legs to burn with pain, my elbows to ache, and my shoulders to get sore. It was quite a challenge for me.

It took us a little over an hour to complete the race. By the time I got to the end, I was beat. I wanted to just go home and crash. By the time I got home I was starting to feel real good and felt accomplished and proud of what I had completed. And that got me thinking about how this race was a great metaphor for life.

Life isn't an easy, flat, paved path. It is definitely like the terrain I faced today. Some parts the hills (trials) were steeper than others and sometimes my load was heavier than others (my kids got out every once in a while to run, then got back in. On one hill I kicked them out of the stroller because I honestly couldn't push at all with the amount of weight bearing down on me). During the big trials, extra bumps were added that made facing the it even more challenging. There were times when I felt that I couldn't make it because the load was too heavy and the hill too big. Several of the times that I was feeling that way, my friend showed up and helped me to push the stroller up the hill or keep the stroller from going out of the control down the steep hills. Other times I did face it alone and had to muster up enough strength to bear through it. I doubted my ability to make it through parts of it, but I did it. I made it through. I was given strength to make it through. The hill didn't disappear, but sometimes I was able to gather more strength and other times I was blessed to have my burden made light (by the kids getting out), or someone helped me through it. At the end, I felt relief and proud that I made it through. I realized I was stronger than I thought I was.

I loved this realization. No matter what, we are going to have trials in life. There will be times when we feel we cannot make it through, that the pain is too much. We may feel we just aren't strong enough. We may just want to sit down and quit. But all that does is keep us in the trial. We don't go anywhere, we don't move forward, we remain stuck. Through help from God and His son Jesus Christ, we can get through the trials. Sometimes it is by giving us strength, sometimes by lightening our load, and sometimes by sending someone to help us. They are there for us and will help us through if we let them, if we accept the help.

As I sat down to write this, I had another realization. Tomorrow is Easter. I realized how well the experience goes along with the holiday. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. We think of all He did for us as He suffered in Gethsemane. He took on the weight of our sins, He felt the sickness, the pain- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual... He felt it all. Because He has felt it all, He has a complete understanding of each and every thing that we may go through. He died and was resurrected that we too might have eternal life. By taking upon Himself our sins, we are clean (if we but repent) so can be worthy to be in God's presence again. He did all of this for each of us because of how much He loves us and cares about us.

(photo credit LDS.org)

Often times we don't recognize God's hand in our lives. During the good times we might forget that He helped us and blessed us with the things we were in need of. During the hard times we might feel like He has abandoned us. I have felt that way before. I felt alone and like God wasn't really there, like He had withdrawn from me. Really what happened was I had withdrawn from Him. I pushed HIM away, not the other way around. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is always waiting with open arms for His children to return to him. I truly believe that it hurts Him to see his children go through difficult times, but He knows with his infinite wisdom that by letting us go through these trials that we will come out so much stronger. He knows that our spiritual and emotional strength will increase and we will grow from the experiences. So although we may feel alone, He really is there. Sometimes for our benefit He may be on the sidelines, but He is there. He is cheering us on. He is rooting for us to succeed. He loves us with more depth than we can possibly comprehend. He loves YOU and He always will.

Why Am I Me? Part Two

There is life after abuse.

For a long time I didn't think that was true or possible, but it is very much true. A very good life is possible after abuse.

Part one of this blog was so incredibly difficult for me to write. It shared my darkest part of my life. A part that I have tried for years to forget about, but haven't succeeded in. I have realized that as much as I want to forget it ever happened, that it was best to not forget it. It is better to make sure to learn from it and help others who may go through similar situations. It has been 12 1/2 years since my divorce. I have come along ways since then, but still have things I am trying to heal from.

After my divorce, I moved in with my parents. They were so supportive of me and getting me emotionally healthy. I went to floral design school, which truly is where I started to find myself and feel like I could actually be something. I still struggled for quite a while after that, but eventually I got a job at a flower shop. I was working full time and going to school to finish my high school diploma. I felt pretty good about myself. School was hard. I had failed my science class in high school so needed a science credit. I took an anatomy and physiology course. It was the toughest class I had ever taken! I worked so hard, though, and I passed the class with a B+.

I have to admit, I wanted to rub it in his face... Look at me! I graduated high school while working full time and being a single mom! See?? I can do it! You were wrong!

A couple things were missing, though. I still didn't have a place of my own and I really wanted to move on and date. (ultimately get remarried)

I ended up meeting Adam (almost 3 years after the divorce). I knew right away that he was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We had a lot of problems in the beginning, but I knew it would be a mistake to give up. He had growing up to do and I had emotional baggage to let go of. We both had a lot of work to do. We have now been married for 9 years. He adopted my daughter and has always treated her as his own. In fact we often forget that she isn't his blood child because it feels like this is the only family we have had. We have had 3 more children, also.

I honestly never thought that after my divorce, I would ever get remarried. I didn't think I deserved a good marriage. On occasion I find my ex's words popping into my mind. The words that tear me down. Words that make me feel not good enough and like Adam is going to leave me for someone better because I am not good enough. I try to be strong and ignore them, but it can be difficult. In fact I will be doing really well when it hits me the hardest.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

“We generally think of Satan attacking us at our weakest spot. … But weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas where we are proud of our strengths. He will approach us through the greatest talents and spiritual gifts we possess. If we are not wary, Satan can cause our spiritual downfall by corrupting us through our strengths as well as by exploiting our weaknesses”

My self esteem is my weakness and the adversary knows that. I have over the years become stronger and felt good about myself and who I am today, only to have my self esteem attacked. Having my strength tested.

My husband is so sweet to me. He knows the struggles that I have and does everything he can to counteract the negative thoughts I have. He compliments me, he tells me how much he appreciates me, he holds me when I am struggling. I am so blessed. I still fight an almost daily fight, though. Because satan doesn't want me to be happy and strong. And each time I become strong, something or someone changes that.

Don't let satan win. That is what I have to keep reminding myself.

I have been looking back over the years, trying to figure out why I still have a lot of the same problems. As I would get more emotionally healthy, I can see a pattern of falling back into not being as strong as I was. It wasn't until very recently that I figured out the cause. I may have stopped having toxic relationships ("love" wise), but I shifted to having toxic friendships. This was a very hard reality to face.

I spent years being torn down by my ex, being told what to think, feel, do, etc. That, as twisted as it sounds, became where I felt emotionally safe. Because obviously I wasn't good at making my own decisions (I had made so many bad ones for so long) so it was safer to let someone else make my decisions. But I am now married to a man who doesn't control me, who doesn't like to be the decision maker... So over the years I clung to friendships that were that way. It took the pressure off of me to just let someone else pretty much control my life and it felt safe. But during the times of having those types of friendships, I have seen myself change. Not a good change. I look back and see the declining of the strength I once had, declining of my self esteem, declining of my happiness, and even declining of my standards.

I have ended many of these friendships, but each time would replace it with another one. I just didn't realize it. Now that I have, though, I can change that.

I am not blaming anyone, but myself. I am not saying those friends were or are horrible people. They had strong personalities and I didn't (don't). In order for me to become a healthy individual I need to actually be an individual. I need to make my own decisions, have my own thoughts, and stay strong in my values and standards.

Now that I have made this discovery, I am able to regain my strength. I won't let satan win. When he throws things at me to tear down my strength I am going to stand tall and strong. I am going to throw them right back in his face. I know that as I come closer to God, that I will become stronger and stronger. For He can "make weak things become strong." (Ether 12:27)

Why Am I Me? Part One

In self discovery, some times the way to figure out who we are, why we are the way we are, and how to change things about ourselves, is to go back to the beginning. Go back to the things that formed who we are today. The good, the bad, the happy, the ugly.

When it comes to my blogs and what to write next, I go to Heavenly Father in prayer. Last week I asked what I should write about next. The answer was a difficult one for me. It was to share more in depth about me, things that shaped me (and not just to share the good things). I have put it off. I fear opening up, especially so publicly. I even questioned the answer, but felt strongly that to share is to help someone. Now, I don't know who this is for. Is it for someone I know? A stranger who happens upon my blog? Or is it for me and helping me to heal and move on? I have no idea whatsoever. All I know is that I am supposed to write it.

I honestly don't even know where to start...

For as long as I can remember, I have been very shy and unsure of myself. I lacked confidence and it always showed. I was teased, made fun of, and treated like the loser throughout school. It actually started with girls treating me that way. I usually would hang out with the boys at school. I was the only girl who would dig in the dirt for worms with them or be part of the "mystery solvers club." I wasn't afraid to get dirty. I didn't worry about having the most popular clothes (why should I? I was just going to get them dirty by having fun outside!) So the girls picked on me. One actually pulled down my pants at recess then proceeded to make fun of me and my underwear (was I really the only 2nd grader who had My Little Pony undies?!?!). She made sure to tell all the boys I was friends with that I was wearing stupid underwear.

I really struggled. One time I was waiting in the hallway after school for the bus. A boy was staring at me. It made me uncomfortable so I asked, "What are you staring at?!?!" He snapped back, "Definitely not you!" In my 6 year old mind, I instantly thought, "He is right. Why would anyone want to look at me. How stupid am I for thinking he was looking at me."

I was terrified to go to school. Then one day I got to my class early. There was another boy sitting in the room already. He started talking to me and showed me how to draw a car. He became the one who would beat on the other boys who would throw rocks at me during recess (and the 2 boys who would chase me trying to kiss me). He became my safe person. I don't really have many memories of him after that. Just that he was the one who treated me nicely when I was most scared and who protected me.

Fast forward many, many years.... We moved from Alaska to Utah (I had grown up in Alaska). As a teenager I clung to guys to get my self esteem. I was treated badly by the guys, but I felt like I was nothing if a guy didn't like me so I clung to them no matter how awful they were. I remember spiraling out of control when I got dumped the first time. It is horribly embarrassing to look back on it. He was my first boyfriend. I honestly thought we would stay high school sweethearts (silly 15 year old girl thoughts). So when he lied to me, started going after other girls, then finally dumped me (but lied about the reason why), I felt like my world had ended. I honestly didn't know how to handle it. He was my first kiss. The first boy to like me back. If he stopped liking me then I must be nothing. As silly as it seems, it crushed me. The next guy I dated was even worse. In fact they just kept getting worse. And of course when I got too clingy, they dumped me. Looking back, I totally don't blame them. But in the moment it was my survival. I felt if I wasn't liked that I was nothing and not worthy of living.

Why was I that way??? I really wish I could understand it. I was so emotionally unhealthy and that caused me to make such terrible mistakes.

My senior year we moved back to Alaska- to the same town I grew up in. I hadn't seen anyone in years. It was like starting new again. I had a couple friends that I had been friends with nearly my whole life, that had told me they were excited to have me back so we could hang out. But once school started they acted like they didn't know me. I wasn't cool enough for their group. So I floundered. I didn't fit in anywhere. Then one day a familiar face welcomed me back. It was the boy from first grade. All the feelings of being safe came back. We started hanging out and he became the protector again.

Unfortunately, he was not a good influence to have. He was into smoking, drugs, and alcohol. But he accepted me. He protected me (at least that is what I thought and what he had told me.... I found out the truth later). So to follow my pattern... I ended up dating him. I then moved in with him and married him the summer right after graduation. Then 11 months after we got married, we had a child.

Due to my low self esteem, I didn't let myself see all the warning signs. The HUGE red flags. They were obvious red flags too. But I was so desperate to be accepted, to be loved, to be completed by someone else because I had always felt like I wasn't whole....that I married him anyway.

I was 18. I thought I knew everything (HA! That makes me laugh now).

Have you read the latest articles about Gas Lighting? (I recommend looking it up...) I had never heard of it until recently. When I read about it my thought was, "Wow, did they watch my first marriage and use that to write an article?!?!" The dictionary definition is, "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity."

He started out small. He would tell me lies about people. It was usually bad things about guys because he thought all guys were a threat. Then would tell me all these sweet things he had done for friends (look at what a good guy I am). These things would come up in conversation with the people involved and I would find out they weren't true in the slightest. I would confront him on them and he would claim he never said those things. He would do this often. I could have proof of the lie and he would just tell me I was crazy, remembering wrong, or made it up in my head. Even if I had others to back me up on it because they heard the lie too.

It just escalated from there.

I was already weak and he exploited it and used it to benefit himself.

He tore me down all the time, but would usually mask it as it coming from someone else. "So-and-so said this about you..." When they really didn't. I would have bouts of being stronger and would stand up to him. When I did, things got so much worse. Many times I had bruises in the shape of his hands on my upper arms. There was one time when I called him out on a lie and he got so mad that he threw a full 20 oz Sprite bottle at my head. It flew right past my ear (I felt the wind from it as it flew within an inch of my head) and exploded against the wall. Sticky soda all over me, the wall, the couch... and he made me believe it was my fault. In fact, I am the one who cleaned up the mess from it.

He turned me against my family. They told me truths about him and he would convince me they were lying about him to me. We actually moved from Alaska to Utah to run from all the "lies" about him. He couldn't even get a job because he kept being fired for lying and stealing.

He had me isolated. We lived in a basement apartment, which was rather dark. When he would come home from work, if the blinds were opened he would accuse me of having them open so that I could show off myself to the neighbor teens. If my hair was brushed and I was dressed in something other than the pajamas I wore to bed, he would accuse me of cheating. I couldn't wear makeup unless I only put it on when he was home and would be home, otherwise I was doing it for cheating purposes.

I was so alone. I didn't feel I could turn to my family for help. I didn't have any friends. I had a couple friends that I had made when I moved to Utah when I was 12, but he tried hard to put a wedge between us, so I backed away from those friendships. I was alone. No one to turn to.

I tried to leave multiple times. He laughed in my face. He told me I could never support myself and my daughter. He said no one else would ever want me. If that didn't work, then he would start sobbing and beg me to stay. Make promises that he wouldn't hurt us again and would treat me better.

I had a feeling one time to search this kind of hidden area of the apartment. I found a notebook he had been journaling in. I was sick to my stomach reading what he wrote...

There was one time I came home from the store and found him crying. I asked what was wrong and he told me that he had just talked to his brother. That he had fallen and hurt his back and may be paralized from it. I found out from the journal that it was actually his girlfriend on the side had miscarried and he was grieving the loss of his child (I spoke to his brother later and found out nothing had ever happened to his back...)

I also found out that he had plotted my death. He had written in great detail about it.

It is an eerie, creepy feeling to read about how you are going to die.

We were going on a trip with my sister for my Birthday. We were going to be camping in Southern Utah. His plan was to wait util everyone was asleep, then he would smother me with saran wrap. Once I was dead he would go burn the saran wrap in the camp fire and go back to bed. He was going to place our 8 month old child over my face in the morning and claim she had smothered me in my sleep.

I found this after the trip. Something had gone wrong on the trip that made him unable to follow through with it.

Words cannot describe how I felt when I read that. How I still feel to this day about it. For many, many years I couldn't touch saran wrap or even see it without going into a panic attack and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I told him I read it. Do you know what he said??? "That journal was for therapy. The therapist told me to write OPPOSITE of how I feel. That is what I did." Wow, he really thought I was totally stupid. I never believed that excuse. I wanted to leave so badly. But he had me convinced that he would get custody because I was "crazy." So I told my sister about the journal and what was written in it. I told her I was going to give it to her the next time I saw her. I wanted someone to have proof so that when I ended up dead they would know he was to blame. I thought I had hidden it well enough... But he found it and got rid of it. So then he tried to convince me it didn't exist because I didn't have it to prove otherwise. I made it all up.

These are just a few things that I went through in that marriage. (and I am not going to include what my daughter went through, because that isn't my story to share, but hers) I was lucky that my parents stepped in. They paid for the divorce that I couldn't afford. I was so scared of getting the divorce. I believed him that I was nothing and that if I left him I would be alone forever. I believed him that he would take away my daughter if I tried to leave. But my parents had already paid for it, so I went through with it.

I had a complete breakdown. I know that doesn't make any sense. You would think that being free from an abusive marriage would have made me so happy. But after years of being molded to believe that I literally couldn't live without him, it wasn't so easy. Also, it was hard to face the truth of who I had married. That I would bring a child into this world with such a monster. I had no idea how to recover. I hadn't graduated high school. I had dropped out for stupid reasons. I had no training. If I worked AND paid for day care, I couldn't afford to live on my own. I didn't know what to do.

Some people shame those who have an emotional breakdown. They just don't understand. And they are lucky that they don't understand how it feels, but I wish they would at least try to be kind about it. When the only world you knew was torn down piece by piece by an abuser, then built back up to only be the way they formulate for it to be built back up.... you remove that foundation, which is the abuser, and everything crashes down. You can't remember who you were before they tore you down (or at least can't believe you could ever be that way again). You cannot fathom how you are going to rebuild your world back up ALL BY YOURSELF. It is scary. It is overwhelming. And unfortunately this happens to far to many women (I am sure it happens to men too, but more often to women).

I am here to tell you, IT IS POSSIBLE. Not only is it possible, but YOU CAN DO IT! You are worth it. You are worth facing that scary unknown. You may feel alone, but you aren't. I felt alone, but I really did have my family and I had Jesus Christ and God (even though at the time I wanted nothing to do with deity). Once I allowed myself to realize that I wasn't alone (even though my ex had worked hard for years to make me believe I had no one), things got easier and I was able to piece my life back together. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone.

This was a lot longer than I intended, but still feel it was supposed to be written. This is just part one... Look for part two soon. Trust me, part two gets happier :)

Day 12- I NEED Nature

I NEED nature.

No, really. I truly NEED it.

I had forgotten how important it was for my mental/emotional health until tonight. It has been a very long week, which ended with my youngest getting sick (again!). So last night was spent getting up with him every 20-30 minutes from 11:30 pm til 4 am (I finally just stayed in his room on a mat on the floor). That was a rough start to my weekend and a rough way to end the already crummy week. I needed to go to the store today and couldn't because of having a sick child and my husband at work all day. I wasn't able to go to the store until almost 8 tonight. Which stressed me out.

I went through the store as quickly as possible, in a daze. I just wanted to get it done with and get home so I could go to bed. When I walked out of the store, a cool breeze blew across my face. I instantly stopped walking, closed my eyes, tilted my head up, and breathed it in. I didn't even think about what I was doing (or what the people walking past me thought!), I just instinctively stopped and breathed in the moment. I hadn't done that for a while. It felt AMAZING! I didn't want the moment to end. I reluctantly got into the van and drove home. I took in the groceries, grabbed my husband, and told him to put on his shoes and follow me. I took him outside and we just stood there in the cool breeze. Time stood still as we stood there, hand in hand, soaking in the calm, quiet moment. The stresses I had been burdened with had lifted.

I used to spend so much time out in nature. I grew up in Alaska, in a house in the woods. We had a creek, sledding hills, a tree fort, wild berries, and plenty of outdoors to explore. I spent most of my days outside. In the summer we would be out playing until 10 pm (or later) because it was so light we would lose track of time. I miss those days.

Now the only time I am really outdoors is when taking kids to and from school, going to appointments, running errands, rushing off to here and there. If I am outside with the kids (which rarely happens since they typically play outside as I make dinner) then it is spent trying to keep my 3 year old son (whom is autistic) safe and keep him from wandering off. I rarely just sit down and feel the grass on my skin, listen to the sounds of nature (which is impossible in my yard since we live off a busy highway), and take it all in....feel one with the earth.

Tonight I got a glimpse of what I have been missing. I could still hear the cars driving by, but I also could hear the frogs and the wind so I focused on them instead. I need to take more time outs like that. The cliche saying comes to mind, "Stop and smell the roses." Cliche and simple, but oh so true! Taking moments like that is truly food for the soul.

Day 11- I am Strong

I am strong!

Ok, so I don't fully believe that statement, yet... But looking back at my life, I can see that it is true. The things I have been through are proof that I am strong and am getting stronger.

I got married at 18. It ended up being a bad situation. I spent 3 years being emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. He was also a "gas-lighter" (I had never known this term until lately, but when I read about it I felt like I was reading exerts from my first marriage). During those 3 years I felt weak. I didn't feel I could leave. I didn't feel like I deserved better. Little by little I got stronger, until I finally was able to leave him. Due to the emotional control, that was the most difficult thing I had ever faced. I am stronger because of it, though.

During my divorce and one other time (the tragic death of a close friend) I actually felt like I couldn't survive it. Yet, I did. I may have felt weak while it was happening, but all these years later I am able to see that I wasn't weak. I was only going through the normal grieving process. I worked past it and that shows just how strong I am. I have become more emotionally strong because of those (and many other) experiences.

I have also become physically strong! I may not be as strong as I want to be, but when I compare myself to how I was before- I sure am strong!

Last year I completed two obstacle mud races and a 5k. This year I am going to do the Spartan again and this year I am training more so I know I will be do better than last year.

It is exciting to look ahead at the goals I have set and know I can accomplish, but it is also a great feeling to look back on my life and see how far I have come, how strong I have become. I may not always realize it, I may not always believe it, but it is true. I am strong and am continually getting stronger. The only one I need to compare myself to is ME. So far, I am beating my old self by a huge margin. Soon I won't even be able to look back and see my old self, just the newer "old self".

I'd like to end with a couple quotes from two very wise men.

“You are not competing with anyone else. You are only competing with yourself to do the best with whatever you have received.”
~L. Tom Perry

“If today you are a little better than yesterday, then that’s enough.”
~David A. Bednar

Day 10- I Am Un-Materialistic

I am un-materialistic.

Is that even a real word?? I tried finding the opposite of "materialistic" and couldn't find a word that really worked. All I know is, I am NOT materialistic.

I am sure this is a trait that my husband greatly appreciates =) When he proposed to me, we were both very poor. He felt guilty buying me an engagement ring at Walmart. Spending maybe 1-2% of the amount that most would spend on an engagement ring. But guess what.... I LOVED it. I actually was happier with that ring that I would've been with a $2,000 ring. I don't do flashy jewelry. I don't do expensive jewelry (or anything else for that matter). The reaction by some woman has been amusing because they would have been offended to be given a ring that didn't cost thousands of dollars. Personally, I find it ridiculous to spend that much money on jewelry when that could instead buy a reliable car, pay rent or mortgage, pay bills, put food on the table... I have even had some make comments about how he needs to get me a real ring (an expensive ring). I told them, "No way! I love my ring and honestly don't want an expensive one. I would be mad if he bought me an expensive ring." That statement seems so foreign to many people.

My husband now knows that I am sentimental and not into expensive things. I think the most expensive gift he has given me was my Kitchenaid mixer. I LOVE practical gifts and he has learned that by now.

I don't own a ton of shoes or clothes. I don't buy expensive purses. My favorite purse was one that I paid 50 cents for at a garage sale!

I don't find my happiness in possessions. Of course having a house and vehicles are wonderful and make my life better. But I don't have a huge, fancy house. I don't have new cars. I have a very basic house that is actually on the small side for a family of 6. We have vehicles that are old and not in the best condition, but they work. I know that possessions will never bring happiness. A lot of my happiest memories are ones from time spent out in nature, not of things I owned or how much money I spent on something.

I can close my eyes and very vividly go back to this place I loved. When I was in high school we lived in a very small cabin in the woods up in Alaska. The cabin overlooked a small lake. I spent many hours sitting on the hillside overlooking the lake. I would sit in the tall grass and plants growing wild, close my eyes and lift my head up towards the sky as the breeze would blow across my skin. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. Breathing in the clean, pure, majestic nature around me. That moment, I can still go back to. Right at this very moment I am there. I can feel it. I am taken back to those beautiful moments of peace, serenity, and pure happiness. I can feel the stresses of my day have completely faded away.

Possessions can't make me feel that way. Getting caught up in materialistic things completely destroys that feeling for me. I would rather be poor and have that feeling of tranquility and joy than to have a big house, fancy cars, popular name brand clothes/shoes/purses, high end electronics, etc.

I guess you could say that I am just down-to-earth. This is a trait of mine that I actually really like. Finding things about me that I actually like has been difficult, but this is one thing that I really do like and don't want to ever change about me.

(The above picture is not from the cabin I wrote about. We lived there pre-digital camera days. This is one I took in Washington.)

Day 9- Working On Being True To ME

I have always been pretty passive. It takes a lot to get me to be more aggressive (that is usually when my protective side comes out...to protect those I care about). Not that I want to be aggressive. There just isn't really much of a middle ground for me. I tend to let people boss me around and to tell me what to do. I have always been this way. Part of it is because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do and that my opinions don't matter or are wrong. So I tend to let people run my life. And because of that, I tend to feel most comfortable around strong personalities who tend to be a little (sometimes a lot) controlling. They have the strong personality that at times I wish I had and plus, when I am around them I don't have to think for myself. Which takes the pressure off of me.

Even though I feel that way, I really do hate being bossed around and am tired of being made to feel like I am wrong for my way of thinking. Therefore, this is another one of the things about me that I am working to change.

I tend to feel like I am putting others out by giving my opinion. Like tonight when my sweet sister-in-law asked what foods she can contribute to the family dinner we are hosting for my daughter's Birthday. I just said "Oh whatever you would like." Even after she specified a few of the items my daughter would like for dinner that she would be willing to bring, I basically said it was up to her what she wanted to bring. After a while of thinking about it, I thought to myself, "You are being ridiculous! She is offering to make homemade mashed potatoes for you. You know you want to tell her yes, just say it!" I finally texted her back and told her how nice it would be if she could make them.

Hmmm...that really wasn't that difficult. There wasn't any negative response to it. Why don't I do this more often??

Of course, most often the situations aren't that easy. There are plenty of times where me choosing to not be passive can offend someone or just make that person push back. The problem is that part of why I have become so lost is due to not voicing my own thoughts and running my own life. I do speak my mind most of the time with my husband and kids, but with others it is difficult. I realize, though, that I am setting a bad example for my kids.

My daughter who is about to turn 9 has followed in my footsteps. She is afraid to voice what she wants. Even just asking her what she wants for her Birthday dinner, she at first started getting excited listing food. Then she caught herself and shied away. She then turned it into, "I really don't care...whatever you want to make. What do YOU want to make?" Whenever asked an opinion or being asked about something she needs, she cowers a little. You see her shrink down and begin mumbling. She won't voice her thoughts or opinions. It makes me sad, especially since I know she learned it from watching me do the same. I have been making sure to tell her that I WANT to hear what she has to say and want to know what she needs or wants, but if I am not showing her in action how to do it then she probably won't be able to change that about herself.

Now to just figure out how to be stronger. I don't want to be bossy or controlling. I just want to be comfortable stating my wants, needs, opinions, thoughts, etc. To actually be sure of who I am. To be able to state an opinion and believe in it. Not let others so easily change my mind. There have been a couple things that I felt strongly about that someone was able to talk me into seeing it their way instead. After a few days of thinking I realized that I wasn't comfortable with it and my original opinion was what I did feel right acting upon. That person later talked me back into their way of thinking again. Same thing happened....I didn't feel right about it later on. I don't like that about myself.

I pray that on this journey of figuring out who I am, that I will get stronger and more sure of myself. That I can truly think that I am great just the way I am, even if others try to tear me down. One day I will believe that. I don't yet... But I will get there

Day 8- I Am Fatigued

970 minutes.

That is the amount of minutes scheduled weekly for appointments (I include church, church activities, and extra curriculars in that). Then add roughly 580 minutes of drive time to all of those appointments. I am not including doctor appointments that might pop up. This is a normal week. These appointments happen EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

1,550 minutes or almost 26 hours are spoken for every week.

Now I am adding in an exercise class 3 days a week. Which is another 180 minutes plus 60 minutes drive time. (but this is something I really need. My "me" time to help me on my journey to be healthier.)

Almost 30 hours of each week is planned. Then to think of the time spent grocery shopping, making meals, helping kids with homework, cleaning the house... Can I even begin to estimate those minutes/hours????

*sigh*

I am EXHAUSTED!!

My health problems cause me great fatigue rather easily. So when I am busy like this, I get extremely burnt out. This results in me having a couple days or more where I just can't get up and do as much. My body just shuts down and I can barely get out of bed. Due to that, I have become more of a homebody than I ever was before. These past couple days where I didn't have anything too pressing to do, I didn't fight the fatigue. I just let my body rest and catch up. (Can we say Netflix binge?!?!)

It is hard enough to keep up with all the duties of being a mom. Then to add health problems just really makes it rough. As a mom, though, I feel the need to put on a front. To pretend I have it all together and just fake that I can keep up. Put a smile on my face and act like I can handle it all. Because there are so many other moms out there who have even more to do and they don't complain! But I think the reality is that the other moms probably feel just as frazzled as I do. We all try so hard to put this fake "put together mom" front, "super mom" front, that we over do it.

I don't mean to say dads don't have it hard. My husband is plenty busy between work, school, and being a dad. But there is something so incredibly draining as a mom to be driving kids around (especially when you have little ones you have to get in and out of the car seats over and over, and take kids multiple potty breaks when out and about), dealing with the kids 24 hours a day, the fighting, the constant redirecting the kids to do what you have asked them to do, riding the emotional roller coaster of each different kids temperament and emotions... Mom's rarely get a break from the kids, especially a mental break. Where dads tend to get to go focus on work and have a nice, quiet commute. (Same goes for stay at home dads. They know just how stay at home moms feel!)

I love my life as a mom. (most of the time...) This is what I always dreamed of having. But at this point in time, due to my health, it is just hard to do it all. At this point in time, FATIGUE is part of who I am. I have some good days, but more bad days than good. But I am done with feeling guilty for this being who I am. This may not be how I always am (I truly hope to find an alternative medicine to help my health conditions so I don't have to live with this the rest of my life), but right now this is who I am and that is not something that I need to feel guilty about.

So on my good days I will do everything I am able to do. On my bad days, I will do what little bit I can manage to do and just be grateful to be alive and for having a wonderful, understanding husband. I was once told by a friend that everything has its season. This is the season I am in and I will find joy in it the best I can. That doesn't mean that I will give up on trying to improve, but it means I won't be so hard on myself for not being able to do certain things at this time.

Day 7- Anger

At the beginning of this new journey for me, I planned to write a self discovery each day. As you can tell by looking back at my posts, I keep skipping days... It has definitely been challenging for me to write this. Partly because I am opening myself up to EVERYONE. Anyone can read these blog posts. That kind of scares me! And part of the challenge has been to find the good parts about me to share.

I could fill up many days worth about negative things about me and I have been trying to focus on my positive attributes/talents/etc. I wrote about being flawed, but that was quite vague. Today has been a difficult day. Actually, the past several days have been difficult. I have had a couple people put my anger to the test and so anger is on my mind tonight as I attempt to write.

Now how can I put a positive spin on my anger? Well, I really can't. I know that anger is a weakness that I need to work on. Am I justified in my anger? Actually, as a matter of fact I am quite justified. Does it make it ok for me to be angry? Well...that depends what I do with the anger. Do I act out with it? Do I learn from it? Do I let it fuel me to do something good to better the situation?

The quickest way to make me angry is to lie to me or about me. I have had both happen a lot recently. One of the people it is a normal thing so I should be used to it, but the other person I didn't expect it from. So it has really shaken me up and made my anger come out. Tonight I was so angry that I actually had the thought cross my mind of how good it would feel to punch this certain person in the face. Don't worry, I would NEVER actually do that. I am not a violent person. But I was mad enough that I actually thought about it.

Where do I go from here? Justified as it may be, how would Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want me to act during this test of my anger?

I can guarantee they wouldn't want me to punch anyone...

Part of self discovery is to notice the negative things about ourselves and to turn them into positive things. I get angry. I yell when I am angry and if I don't yell then I bottle it up and always end up exploding about something small later on. That isn't WHO I am, but it is something I have that I struggle with. I don't have to let it control my life and I don't have to just sit back and say, "I am an angry person, that is just who I am so don't expect me to be any other way." I know this is something that I want to change about myself and now I need to make a plan (and follow through with it) on how I can change it.

The things that make me most angry have to do with dishonesty. I cannot change other people. I cannot force others to be honest. All I can do is make sure that I am being honest. I have always tried hard to be honest, but I know at times I fall short. I feel guilty at being dishonest. So much so that I actually become physically ill if I lie.... (a BIG guilty conscience was given to me when God made me!). I even feel guilty if someone asks how I am and I say, "I'm good" when really I am depressed and barely able to force a smile. There is a balance, though. Not every person who asks how I am is actually wanting a 100% truthful answer. They don't want to know of the many struggles I am facing. And I most definitely don't want to share my life details with everyone I cross paths with. But I can change things so when I am asked, "How are you?" I say, "Eh, could be better. How are you?" or "I'm still breathing, so there's that!" Anything that isn't actually lying =)

The biggest problem, though, is in others being dishonest with me or about me. Because that is beyond hurtful and feels like a stab to the back and heart at the same time. I honestly am not sure how to veer my anger in those situations. But I do think that realizing the anger stems from feeling hurt by it and then to be able to voice that would be a good start. "It hurt me to be lied to, it hurt me to be lied about." I need to allow myself to have a voice, just not a loud, booming voice...

I found this picture (above) that I took almost 9 years ago. Maybe only in my mind, but it seemed to me a perfect picture for how I am feeling. A lie sparked a fire (anger) in me. I can keep the fire contained, but still keep stoking it and adding wood to it (dwelling on the lies) or I can let it die out. Realizing that if I keep the fire going I am going to hurt myself or others or both (not meaning physically). I can use the fire for good, if used right. Like a fire being used to prepare food or give warmth. But it is easy to let it get out of control when adding to the fire.

As I finish writing this, I realize another thing about myself... I think a lot more clearly as I write. It really is healing. But I will save that for another day!

Day 6- I am a Mormon

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- aka the Mormon church.

I was born into a Mormon family and was raised Mormon, but I left the church when I was a teenager. There are many reasons why I left as a teenager, but one thing I wanted was to not have "Mormon" be something that I was described as being. To me, it wasn't part of my identity and I didn't want it to be.

Here I am, almost 34, and I am singing a much different tune. I am now realizing just how much being a Mormon is part of who I am. I am not ashamed of it like I once was. In fact, I am proud of it being part of who I am. It just took an eleven year hiatus for me to figure that out.

Why am I a Mormon? I am a Mormon because in my heart I believe The Bible and The Book of Mormon to be true. They testify of Christ and teach us how to return to live with Heavenly Father. I have read the Book of Mormon and know without a doubt the truths that it teaches. I believe the doctrine taught by the church. I believe in the importance of the family unit. I know that Jesus Christ lives and atoned for my sins because he loves me (and everyone) THAT much.

Honestly, I could write pages on all the specific things that I believe about this church. But to me, one of the things that stands out the most to me is the difference of how I felt when I had nothing to do with the church versus how I have felt since coming back. I spent 11 years doing whatever I wanted because I decided I wasn't going to let a church tell me what I could or couldn't do. I thought I would be happier not having restrictions. I smoked, I drank, I used marijuana. I married young to a man who treated me very badly and was abusive. I thought all these choices would free me, but instead I felt trapped and empty. I divorced and started a new life. I later remarried, but I still felt empty.

Then 6 years ago my husband became interested in the Mormon church. I went with him to church and sat in on his missionary lessons. I started feeling the emptiness grow smaller. The hole I had for 11 years was going away. I realized that the very thing I had been running away from for all those years was the very thing I needed in my life. I began to realize that the "restrictions" weren't punishments like they had felt like before, but were guidelines to keep me safe. I went back to following the "rules" of the church- no smoking/drinking/drugs/swearing/coffee... I dedicated myself to repenting and healing myself through Christ.

During the past 6 years, we have definitely had many trials. In fact the biggest trials of our 9 year marriage have been during the last 6 years. Being religious and giving your life to God doesn't take away the trials by any means. In fact a lot of the time I find it to be the opposite effect. Tests of faith come often. And I don't always pass the tests at first, but I do eventually find my faith again and strengthen it. I know that more tests will come, but I am so grateful that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to lean on during those trials. I am also grateful to have a wonderful man of God to be by my side and face the trials with me.

I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our individual needs. He loves each and every one of us, His children, so incredibly much. He listens when we pray and is eager to hear from each of us. It doesn't matter who you are, what religion you are or aren't- He is there for you always.


If you would like to learn more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints please go to www.mormon.org

Day 5- I am an Oxymoron

I don't like to work, but I am a hard worker. (therefore I am an oxymoron haha)

I have had many different jobs. I started working when I was 15 and always had a job until I was a stay at home mom. I have worked a few times while being a mom too, but do whatever I can to instead stay at home to raise my four children. I always worked really hard for the companies that hired me, but I never felt fulfilled. I always feel guilty accepting money. I would much rather do service and help people than to do anything for money.

This becomes a problem when we are in need of money to support our family. Right now, in order to help my family, I clean a friends house a couple times a week. I enjoy it and look forward to it (I love that we get to talk as I clean and her kids often follow me around, which I love), but every single time she pays me I feel downright guilty. I would be happy to clean for her just because I care and want to help out. I only accept the money because we really need it right now.

I will seriously work myself to the point of pure exhaustion and barely able to move. I love working hard. It makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel worthwhile. The more exhausted and sore I am, the more accomplished I feel because it means that I gave it my all. I feel like I have purpose when I am working physically hard and when I am helping people.

There is a possibility that one day I will be required to work full time for money in order to take care of my family. I dread that thought. I hope that it is a very, very long time before that is the case. In the mean time, I will work hard at helping others as often as possible.

Day 4- I am Flawed

I am flawed.

Yes, you read that right. I am flawed.

Seems like a strange statement to make in my blog series about figuring out who I am. It was a strange thought to have come so clearly to my mind this morning when I was contemplating what to write about today.

I am flawed.

Why would I want to dwell on this? Well, simply put- we are all flawed. We are all going to make mistakes and fall short. It is what we do when we fall short that matters. Do you wallow in despair and let yourself believe you are worthless and a failure? Do you hide from the world and not try to make things right? Or do you fix your mistake and move forward? Do you forgive yourself and remind yourself that this is how we learn in life?

I am flawed, but I'm not worthless.

It is so easy to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Especially if your mistake affects others. It is easy to let that mistake define who you are, but it doesn't have to. You correct the mistake, you ask for forgiveness if you hurt someone, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, learn from the mistake, FORGIVE yourself for not being perfect, then you move on and be a better person than you were yesterday.

I have spent so much of my life feeling like if I am not perfect in every way, that I have failed. That I have no worth. I compare myself to those around me and always fall short when I do. I spend so much energy trying to prove that I am as good as other people that I lost myself. Frankly, it doesn't matter if "Annie" always has perfect hair/makeup/and outfit, or that "Hannah" has a perfectly clean house all the time, or that "Naomi" can dance beautifully... I will never live up to my own expectations if I am trying to be like someone else. I need to find my own strengths and talents. I need to only compare myself to who I was yesterday and work hard to be better each day.

So, yes, I am flawed. And that is ok. Because I am a work in progress.

Day 3- My passion

What I am the most passionate about has a lot to do with yesterdays post.

I love to sing and write music.

I started writing songs when I was around 7 years old. They weren't any good, but I still kept writing them! =)

As an adult I have written a song for each of my four kids and my husband, as well as two other songs that are Christian based. One of the neatest things that brings a great big smile to my face and melts my heart is to hear my little ones going around singing my songs while they are playing, as if they were just normal songs they heard on the radio.

My dream has been to become a singer/song writer. To actually be able to make a living off of it. I have a long way to go before that will happen, but I hope that one day I can live my dream. Once all my kids are in school and I have time to myself during the day, I would love to find some online music courses so that I can learn how to best write my music. I would also love to learn the acoustic guitar, so I can play while I sing.

As I mentioned in my last post, music truly affects me. Listening to music is very powerful, but singing it-- even more powerful. I am happiest when I sing and definitely notice a difference in my mood when I go without singing. Or maybe it is the other way around.... that it is easy to tell when I am feeling low because I am not singing. Either way, singing makes me happy.

I have been going through a difficult time for the past little while. One day recently I noticed that it had been days since I had sung at all. Even though I felt down and had no desire to sing (That tells you JUST how down I was feeling), I decided to blast my favorite songs as I showered. You can't beat singing in the shower! =) My mood definitely was lifted by doing that.

Funny thing is, I am not good at reading music....I can sort of fake my way through, but that is it. So I have a lot to learn and better start doing it now before it is too late to follow my dream.

Day 2- Music

Music is my life.

I think this image pretty much sums up why.

The best way I can express myself is through music. There are times when I am not even sure what feelings I am having, but music helps me to figure them out. Music also can lift me when I am feeling down.

In 2011 our really close friend (who was practically family) tragically died. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was hurting deeper than I ever knew possible. A couple days after it happened, I was driving to the store. I was sobbing and crying out to God asking him to take the pain from me. Immediately a song came on the radio. It was a song by The Afters called, "Lift Me Up."



In the short drive to and from the store, the song came on one station after another so that I heard it the entire time. Over a couple week period, every time I turned on pandora or the radio in the car, this song would come on. This song carried me through the most difficult time of my life. It helped to heal me little by little with each time that I heard it.

Music holds a lot of memories for me. This song will always take me to that time and the healing that took place. I have many, many songs that bring up all sorts of memories happy, sad, good, and bad. I just love how music can provide an outlet, can provide a way of expressing myself, can provide healing, bring back memories from when I was a kid, and help me feel joy.

Day 1- Finding Myself

My focus (for now) in becoming healthy is on my self esteem and figuring out who I am. It is so easy to get lost in the role of Mom. When my sister went through her divorce she went through the same self discovery. She wanted to figure out who she was, her opinions, likes, dislikes... So she would post daily a new thing she discovered about herself. I absolutely loved that. So I am borrowing her idea =)

Side note: You can read her amazing blog by clicking --> HERE <--


I didn't realize how hard it would be to figure out who I am. So I am going to start with an easy one...

I HATE seafood. Like really, REALLY, REALLY hate seafood. I hate the taste, I hate the thought of it, and most especially hate the smell!!

I get teased for hating seafood. After all, I grew up in "The Halibut Fishing Capital Of the World"!! I worked in a restaurant well known for it's seafood and clam chowder. When customers would ask my opinion of the chowder or seafood I would tell them I don't know because I don't like seafood. They would always be shocked and tease me haha.

You would think that I would have grown a taste for it since we had a lot of seafood when I was growing up. My family would go out and fish often. My dad would stock the freezer with fish so we would have it year round. I was lucky that my mom was sweet enough to always make me a piece of chicken whenever she would cook fish.


So there it is....I am sure this will be the easiest of my posts, but I figured start small =)

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.