Day 3- My passion

What I am the most passionate about has a lot to do with yesterdays post.

I love to sing and write music.

I started writing songs when I was around 7 years old. They weren't any good, but I still kept writing them! =)

As an adult I have written a song for each of my four kids and my husband, as well as two other songs that are Christian based. One of the neatest things that brings a great big smile to my face and melts my heart is to hear my little ones going around singing my songs while they are playing, as if they were just normal songs they heard on the radio.

My dream has been to become a singer/song writer. To actually be able to make a living off of it. I have a long way to go before that will happen, but I hope that one day I can live my dream. Once all my kids are in school and I have time to myself during the day, I would love to find some online music courses so that I can learn how to best write my music. I would also love to learn the acoustic guitar, so I can play while I sing.

As I mentioned in my last post, music truly affects me. Listening to music is very powerful, but singing it-- even more powerful. I am happiest when I sing and definitely notice a difference in my mood when I go without singing. Or maybe it is the other way around.... that it is easy to tell when I am feeling low because I am not singing. Either way, singing makes me happy.

I have been going through a difficult time for the past little while. One day recently I noticed that it had been days since I had sung at all. Even though I felt down and had no desire to sing (That tells you JUST how down I was feeling), I decided to blast my favorite songs as I showered. You can't beat singing in the shower! =) My mood definitely was lifted by doing that.

Funny thing is, I am not good at reading music....I can sort of fake my way through, but that is it. So I have a lot to learn and better start doing it now before it is too late to follow my dream.

What Is Holding You Back?

We all have a reason for not being fit and healthy. Every single one of us.

Not everyone has the same reasons. The reasons can vary quite a bit. But we all have our reasons.

The important thing is to not let our reasons be an excuse! Because no matter what, there are things we can do to be healthier.

I have struggled with quite a few reasons and find that as I work on pushing aside my excuses that I find new ones. I have never really liked to exercise. As a teen I struggled with knee pain and asthma. I was already very skinny, so why exercise? It didn't matter what I ate, I still wouldn't gain anything; so why eat healthy? I didn't get a good routine set up then and it is much harder now that I am very set in my ways.

I LOVE donuts, cake, chocolate, cookies...Like I would be happy eating them for every meal and snack. I am addicted. They emotionally make me feel "better." I have always felt crummy after eating them, but my brain was happy and so I kept eating them. Addiction to junk food- my first main reason.

Figuring out that I am quite gluten intolerant forced me to change that. It is a lot more expensive to buy pre-made gluten free junk food. And making them was time consuming and I couldn't do it without my kids knowing; which meant that I would have to share! haha So I slowly phased out a lot of that food.

Ok, now I don't have that excuse... so why do I fight being fit and healthy?

I won't bore you with each and every thing that has arisen, but the most recent one that I have realized, which I think is the root of it, is this:

I don't feel worthy of having self esteem.

If I feel good physically, am strong, have a great body from working out, great skin from eating healthy....then the natural thing would be to feel good about myself and my looks- therefore having self esteem. I have never felt worthy of that. I have many past memories of my looks being made fun of embedded into my mind. So whenever I have felt like I look good I will hear those voices telling me I am ugly, my chin is too big, my nose is huge, etc. I hear a voice saying, "How can YOU have self esteem?? You are too ugly to have self esteem!"

And this is where I am stuck. In this horrible mindset. I am afraid of looking good. I am terrified of actually thinking that I look good. And this is a crummy place to be stuck.

Am I going to let this hold me back anymore?! NO! Ok...so on the inside I am really doubting my abilities to fight this mindset... But I think the first step is to recognize what I need to work on- check! Next thing to do is to fake it till I believe it- check! I am going to say I won't let it get in my way any more. Then I will remind myself of it again in a few minutes...and then again and again until I do finally believe I am strong enough AND WORTH IT to believe I deserve self esteem. I have to do this. For me, for my husband, and for my kids. They deserve the best me that I can possibly be. And until I feel good about myself, I can't be my best.

What is holding you back? It is time to peel back the layers and work on them one by one until you finally allow yourself to get healthy!

I Was Craving Jogging..... WHAT?!?!?!

I don't know what to do with all of this new-found energy! Today I just had so much energy pent up inside that I went to a local state park and jogged almost 2 miles on a very hilly path through the woods. I am not a runner. I normally am not even a jogger. But today I was seriously craving a jog.

It was so beautiful out and peaceful. I listened to music, breathed in the fresh air, and pushed my body to it's limit. And it felt GOOD! I am not even sure how to process this haha! This isn't the me I've known for 33 years. This isn't the me that I was even a few days ago. This commitment to a healthier me has really changed a lot in such a short time.

I am eating healthier, I am exercising no matter how badly I don't want to, I am focused on bettering myself. The results so far in just a few short days? I am happier. I had been trying to get out of a depression funk for months. I am finally out of it. I am already feeling more confident in myself and having self esteem. I have gone my whole life with barely ever feeling good about myself and I feel better about myself right now than I ever have before. I feel good. And saying it makes me feel even better!

I am even seeing physical changes already too. Which is just crazy.

All it takes it making a choice. Not a doing something because your doctor told you to, your spouse told you to, a friend told you to... But because YOU decided in your heart, mind, and soul that you want to be a better you. Every time I have tried to get healthier, it was half-hearted. This time my whole heart is in it. It helps that I have a support system to help me, but I am not doing FOR them, I am doing it for ME. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about life and the future.