Day 5- I am an Oxymoron

I don't like to work, but I am a hard worker. (therefore I am an oxymoron haha)

I have had many different jobs. I started working when I was 15 and always had a job until I was a stay at home mom. I have worked a few times while being a mom too, but do whatever I can to instead stay at home to raise my four children. I always worked really hard for the companies that hired me, but I never felt fulfilled. I always feel guilty accepting money. I would much rather do service and help people than to do anything for money.

This becomes a problem when we are in need of money to support our family. Right now, in order to help my family, I clean a friends house a couple times a week. I enjoy it and look forward to it (I love that we get to talk as I clean and her kids often follow me around, which I love), but every single time she pays me I feel downright guilty. I would be happy to clean for her just because I care and want to help out. I only accept the money because we really need it right now.

I will seriously work myself to the point of pure exhaustion and barely able to move. I love working hard. It makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel worthwhile. The more exhausted and sore I am, the more accomplished I feel because it means that I gave it my all. I feel like I have purpose when I am working physically hard and when I am helping people.

There is a possibility that one day I will be required to work full time for money in order to take care of my family. I dread that thought. I hope that it is a very, very long time before that is the case. In the mean time, I will work hard at helping others as often as possible.

Day 4- I am Flawed

I am flawed.

Yes, you read that right. I am flawed.

Seems like a strange statement to make in my blog series about figuring out who I am. It was a strange thought to have come so clearly to my mind this morning when I was contemplating what to write about today.

I am flawed.

Why would I want to dwell on this? Well, simply put- we are all flawed. We are all going to make mistakes and fall short. It is what we do when we fall short that matters. Do you wallow in despair and let yourself believe you are worthless and a failure? Do you hide from the world and not try to make things right? Or do you fix your mistake and move forward? Do you forgive yourself and remind yourself that this is how we learn in life?

I am flawed, but I'm not worthless.

It is so easy to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Especially if your mistake affects others. It is easy to let that mistake define who you are, but it doesn't have to. You correct the mistake, you ask for forgiveness if you hurt someone, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, learn from the mistake, FORGIVE yourself for not being perfect, then you move on and be a better person than you were yesterday.

I have spent so much of my life feeling like if I am not perfect in every way, that I have failed. That I have no worth. I compare myself to those around me and always fall short when I do. I spend so much energy trying to prove that I am as good as other people that I lost myself. Frankly, it doesn't matter if "Annie" always has perfect hair/makeup/and outfit, or that "Hannah" has a perfectly clean house all the time, or that "Naomi" can dance beautifully... I will never live up to my own expectations if I am trying to be like someone else. I need to find my own strengths and talents. I need to only compare myself to who I was yesterday and work hard to be better each day.

So, yes, I am flawed. And that is ok. Because I am a work in progress.

Day 3- My passion

What I am the most passionate about has a lot to do with yesterdays post.

I love to sing and write music.

I started writing songs when I was around 7 years old. They weren't any good, but I still kept writing them! =)

As an adult I have written a song for each of my four kids and my husband, as well as two other songs that are Christian based. One of the neatest things that brings a great big smile to my face and melts my heart is to hear my little ones going around singing my songs while they are playing, as if they were just normal songs they heard on the radio.

My dream has been to become a singer/song writer. To actually be able to make a living off of it. I have a long way to go before that will happen, but I hope that one day I can live my dream. Once all my kids are in school and I have time to myself during the day, I would love to find some online music courses so that I can learn how to best write my music. I would also love to learn the acoustic guitar, so I can play while I sing.

As I mentioned in my last post, music truly affects me. Listening to music is very powerful, but singing it-- even more powerful. I am happiest when I sing and definitely notice a difference in my mood when I go without singing. Or maybe it is the other way around.... that it is easy to tell when I am feeling low because I am not singing. Either way, singing makes me happy.

I have been going through a difficult time for the past little while. One day recently I noticed that it had been days since I had sung at all. Even though I felt down and had no desire to sing (That tells you JUST how down I was feeling), I decided to blast my favorite songs as I showered. You can't beat singing in the shower! =) My mood definitely was lifted by doing that.

Funny thing is, I am not good at reading music....I can sort of fake my way through, but that is it. So I have a lot to learn and better start doing it now before it is too late to follow my dream.

Day 2- Music

Music is my life.

I think this image pretty much sums up why.

The best way I can express myself is through music. There are times when I am not even sure what feelings I am having, but music helps me to figure them out. Music also can lift me when I am feeling down.

In 2011 our really close friend (who was practically family) tragically died. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was hurting deeper than I ever knew possible. A couple days after it happened, I was driving to the store. I was sobbing and crying out to God asking him to take the pain from me. Immediately a song came on the radio. It was a song by The Afters called, "Lift Me Up."



In the short drive to and from the store, the song came on one station after another so that I heard it the entire time. Over a couple week period, every time I turned on pandora or the radio in the car, this song would come on. This song carried me through the most difficult time of my life. It helped to heal me little by little with each time that I heard it.

Music holds a lot of memories for me. This song will always take me to that time and the healing that took place. I have many, many songs that bring up all sorts of memories happy, sad, good, and bad. I just love how music can provide an outlet, can provide a way of expressing myself, can provide healing, bring back memories from when I was a kid, and help me feel joy.

Day 1- Finding Myself

My focus (for now) in becoming healthy is on my self esteem and figuring out who I am. It is so easy to get lost in the role of Mom. When my sister went through her divorce she went through the same self discovery. She wanted to figure out who she was, her opinions, likes, dislikes... So she would post daily a new thing she discovered about herself. I absolutely loved that. So I am borrowing her idea =)

Side note: You can read her amazing blog by clicking --> HERE <--


I didn't realize how hard it would be to figure out who I am. So I am going to start with an easy one...

I HATE seafood. Like really, REALLY, REALLY hate seafood. I hate the taste, I hate the thought of it, and most especially hate the smell!!

I get teased for hating seafood. After all, I grew up in "The Halibut Fishing Capital Of the World"!! I worked in a restaurant well known for it's seafood and clam chowder. When customers would ask my opinion of the chowder or seafood I would tell them I don't know because I don't like seafood. They would always be shocked and tease me haha.

You would think that I would have grown a taste for it since we had a lot of seafood when I was growing up. My family would go out and fish often. My dad would stock the freezer with fish so we would have it year round. I was lucky that my mom was sweet enough to always make me a piece of chicken whenever she would cook fish.


So there it is....I am sure this will be the easiest of my posts, but I figured start small =)

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.