Day 4- I am Flawed

I am flawed.

Yes, you read that right. I am flawed.

Seems like a strange statement to make in my blog series about figuring out who I am. It was a strange thought to have come so clearly to my mind this morning when I was contemplating what to write about today.

I am flawed.

Why would I want to dwell on this? Well, simply put- we are all flawed. We are all going to make mistakes and fall short. It is what we do when we fall short that matters. Do you wallow in despair and let yourself believe you are worthless and a failure? Do you hide from the world and not try to make things right? Or do you fix your mistake and move forward? Do you forgive yourself and remind yourself that this is how we learn in life?

I am flawed, but I'm not worthless.

It is so easy to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Especially if your mistake affects others. It is easy to let that mistake define who you are, but it doesn't have to. You correct the mistake, you ask for forgiveness if you hurt someone, you pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, learn from the mistake, FORGIVE yourself for not being perfect, then you move on and be a better person than you were yesterday.

I have spent so much of my life feeling like if I am not perfect in every way, that I have failed. That I have no worth. I compare myself to those around me and always fall short when I do. I spend so much energy trying to prove that I am as good as other people that I lost myself. Frankly, it doesn't matter if "Annie" always has perfect hair/makeup/and outfit, or that "Hannah" has a perfectly clean house all the time, or that "Naomi" can dance beautifully... I will never live up to my own expectations if I am trying to be like someone else. I need to find my own strengths and talents. I need to only compare myself to who I was yesterday and work hard to be better each day.

So, yes, I am flawed. And that is ok. Because I am a work in progress.

Day 3- My passion

What I am the most passionate about has a lot to do with yesterdays post.

I love to sing and write music.

I started writing songs when I was around 7 years old. They weren't any good, but I still kept writing them! =)

As an adult I have written a song for each of my four kids and my husband, as well as two other songs that are Christian based. One of the neatest things that brings a great big smile to my face and melts my heart is to hear my little ones going around singing my songs while they are playing, as if they were just normal songs they heard on the radio.

My dream has been to become a singer/song writer. To actually be able to make a living off of it. I have a long way to go before that will happen, but I hope that one day I can live my dream. Once all my kids are in school and I have time to myself during the day, I would love to find some online music courses so that I can learn how to best write my music. I would also love to learn the acoustic guitar, so I can play while I sing.

As I mentioned in my last post, music truly affects me. Listening to music is very powerful, but singing it-- even more powerful. I am happiest when I sing and definitely notice a difference in my mood when I go without singing. Or maybe it is the other way around.... that it is easy to tell when I am feeling low because I am not singing. Either way, singing makes me happy.

I have been going through a difficult time for the past little while. One day recently I noticed that it had been days since I had sung at all. Even though I felt down and had no desire to sing (That tells you JUST how down I was feeling), I decided to blast my favorite songs as I showered. You can't beat singing in the shower! =) My mood definitely was lifted by doing that.

Funny thing is, I am not good at reading music....I can sort of fake my way through, but that is it. So I have a lot to learn and better start doing it now before it is too late to follow my dream.

Day 2- Music

Music is my life.

I think this image pretty much sums up why.

The best way I can express myself is through music. There are times when I am not even sure what feelings I am having, but music helps me to figure them out. Music also can lift me when I am feeling down.

In 2011 our really close friend (who was practically family) tragically died. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was hurting deeper than I ever knew possible. A couple days after it happened, I was driving to the store. I was sobbing and crying out to God asking him to take the pain from me. Immediately a song came on the radio. It was a song by The Afters called, "Lift Me Up."



In the short drive to and from the store, the song came on one station after another so that I heard it the entire time. Over a couple week period, every time I turned on pandora or the radio in the car, this song would come on. This song carried me through the most difficult time of my life. It helped to heal me little by little with each time that I heard it.

Music holds a lot of memories for me. This song will always take me to that time and the healing that took place. I have many, many songs that bring up all sorts of memories happy, sad, good, and bad. I just love how music can provide an outlet, can provide a way of expressing myself, can provide healing, bring back memories from when I was a kid, and help me feel joy.

Day 1- Finding Myself

My focus (for now) in becoming healthy is on my self esteem and figuring out who I am. It is so easy to get lost in the role of Mom. When my sister went through her divorce she went through the same self discovery. She wanted to figure out who she was, her opinions, likes, dislikes... So she would post daily a new thing she discovered about herself. I absolutely loved that. So I am borrowing her idea =)

Side note: You can read her amazing blog by clicking --> HERE <--


I didn't realize how hard it would be to figure out who I am. So I am going to start with an easy one...

I HATE seafood. Like really, REALLY, REALLY hate seafood. I hate the taste, I hate the thought of it, and most especially hate the smell!!

I get teased for hating seafood. After all, I grew up in "The Halibut Fishing Capital Of the World"!! I worked in a restaurant well known for it's seafood and clam chowder. When customers would ask my opinion of the chowder or seafood I would tell them I don't know because I don't like seafood. They would always be shocked and tease me haha.

You would think that I would have grown a taste for it since we had a lot of seafood when I was growing up. My family would go out and fish often. My dad would stock the freezer with fish so we would have it year round. I was lucky that my mom was sweet enough to always make me a piece of chicken whenever she would cook fish.


So there it is....I am sure this will be the easiest of my posts, but I figured start small =)

Time For a New Me

Yesterday as I was just going about my day, I looked down at my hand and in the middle of my palm was a small, round puncture wound that was partially healed. I saw it and felt confused and asked myself "where did I get that from?" Then I heard these words clearly in my mind:

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

I have been struggling for a while now with many things. I joke that I have been going through a midlife crisis, but truly that is how it feels. I have spent my entire adult life as a wife and mother so have never figured out who I am. I have been feeling so lost and questioning everything I have ever believed, everything about who I thought I was/am, and who I want to be. I have gone as far as questioning music and movies, trying to figure out what I actually do like verses what I liked due to other peoples opinions.

I am unsure if this is a normal thing that moms go through, but I do know that it has caused me to spiral downward.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

This truly spoke to me. I am about to turn 34 years old and I am more lost than I have ever been. I spend my life taking care of everyone else and rarely spend time taking care of myself. I have come to realize that taking care of myself doesn't just mean the basics; shower, do my hair/make-up, eat,sleep. It also means doing things that I enjoy and taking care of my emotional well being. I have found that the number one thing that I need to do is to work on my self esteem.

From the time I was young I have seen ugliness when I look in the mirror. On a very rare occasion I will actually feel good about my looks, but it is so extremely rare. There have actually been times when I didn't go to school, church, or a social gathering because I have felt too ugly to be seen by anyone. I have major body issues. Part of the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror is fat. Realistically, I know I am not fat. The scale tells me so and my size 8 pants confirm that. But my mind still sees fat when I look in the mirror.

When I try to look at my personality I also see ugliness. I sit around wishing I could be more like other people I see. Those people who have these amazing personalities that everyone wants to be around. They are funny, good at conversation, smart, etc. And I am none of those things (in my eyes). I have a fear of talking to people because I am positive they are thinking how stupid I am or that I am boring them.

"Remember the nail prints in my hands."

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon himself every last sin that anyone had ever committed and ever would commit. He took them upon himself so that no one else would have to suffer for their own sins if they but repent. It wasn't just our sins that he suffered for. He also took upon himself every sorrow, pain,depression, anxiety, etc that we may face. He doesn't want us to suffer so he suffered for us. Then he died for us, that we might live again with our Father in Heaven- spotless,clean, perfect. When going through a difficult time, it is always most comforting to talk to someone who understands, who has gone through it. So it only makes sense that Christ be the one to pour my heart out to.

In doing so, I have come to realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. A LOT. I need to take the time to figure out who I am, build up my self esteem (SELF esteem...meaning not attempting to get it from other people's compliments, but from my own feelings of myself), and push myself to follow my dreams.

We recently were given a bedroom set (we have never had matching anything for a bedroom. In fact our bedroom was full of 6 different bookshelves to organize the randomness we end up storing in our room) which meant we completely redid our room. Now it is feeling like a real bedroom and is more calm to be in. In doing so I decided that I was going to make myself my own area. I have a bulletin board in front of my desk to put inspirational quotes and pictures on. My desk is clear so I can sit at it to write my poetry and music. It is MY special space that I can sit and work on ME. My one place in the house where I can feel at peace, content, and be able to focus.

I have my Spartan Medal and picture after the race hung up to remind me of what I am capable of accomplishing. My flower fairy that my mom made me, which not only makes me think of her, but also when I look at it I feel happy and free (emotionally). Pictures of my family and Christ, to keep me focused on the most important things. Various quotes, which I will keep adding to. "Wake up and Live" is probably my favorite saying I put up. I feel like I have been going through life without truly living. I dread the daily routines and responsibilities. I just go through the motions. It is time for me to wake up and live!

I am excited and scared to go on this new path. My life circumstances may be the same, but I am going to be going through a lot of changes. I fear failure. I fear having self esteem because I figure those around me are thinking, "How could that ugly girl have self esteem?". I fear people not liking me or accepting who I truly am. But I am going to push past it. I imagine a lot of prayer will be involved and a lot of stumbling. But I have to do this. I cannot go the rest of my life wandering aimlessly, lost and confused. I used to have dreams that I wanted to pursue and it is time to pursue them once again, but this time not give up. A new Katie is being born.

Let's Talk About Anxiety...

I originally started this blog as a weightloss journey. I planned to update about my progress of weight and inches lost, my physical progress, exercise tips, and recipe ideas. I quickly realized that focusing on just the physical wasn't going to get me where I need to go. The name of my blog is "Journey to a Healthy Momma". I know I've mentioned before that health is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. But I still kept focusing only on looks. My goal (although I told myself was about a healthy body) was to look good. I have been so insecure about my body for years and I wanted to finally feel good about it. Feel like my husband won't be embarrassed to admit he is married to me...

Due to focusing on only this aspect, I lost myself. I didn't take time to focus on my deeper issues that led to me being unhealthy. Plus, after completing the Spartan race, I just stopped exercising and focusing on eating healthy. I have stopped working on being a healthy mom.

One thing I really want to address is something that I believe plagues a lot of people. That is anxiety and the affect it can have on your health.

I struggle with anxiety. I have general anxiety as well as social anxiety. For a while my anxiety wasn't very bad, but since I haven't been taking care of myself it is through the roof. People who haven't suffered anxiety often don't understand and think you can just take anti-anxiety medication and "get over it." It is not that simple.

Imagine walking into a room full of the snobbiest people in the world. You are in the middle of the room and they are all looking at you. You suddenly realize that you are naked. They are staring, sneering, making horrible comments. They snub their noses at you and make faces of disgust. They are judging every part of you. Your stomach is too flabby, your legs are too skinny, you are too hairy, etc. They pick at every part of how you look and use it to pass judgement of WHO you are. Your heart is beating fast, you don't want to look into anyone's eyes, you just want to run and find a safe place to hide.

That is social anxiety. Sure, when I go to the store I am not standing there naked in front of snobby people. But I may as well be. Because the way you would feel in the above scenario is how someone with social anxiety feels nearly all the time.

When I talk to people, I am constantly thinking that I sound like a complete idiot. I believe they are bored of anything I have to say and what I have to say is unimportant. People who don't respond when I talk, or are looking at their phone instead of me when we are talking just make this feeling worse. So in my mind I crawl into my safe place and stop talking. I prefer to just be home in my safe place, but even there I have anxiety that my family thinks I am just an idiot and not worth their time.

The anxiety may not be there all the time. At times I will actually feel comfortable and enjoy being around people. I never know which version of me is going to be present so that gives me anxiety about planning ahead for social gatherings. Because I don't know how I will be feeling in that future time.

There is a lot more to social anxiety. Hopefully that brief insight will help those who don't understand, be able to understand it.

Anxiety is draining. Physically, emotionally, mentally draining. It is draining for the person who has the anxiety AND for those close to that person. It can affect marriages and friendships. People can become overwhelmed by dealing with someone who has anxiety. And those of us with anxiety are fully aware of that (unfortunately, that makes the anxiety worse...because we are constantly worried that we are too much for our spouse, family, or close friends).

So what can you do if someone you love and/or care about has anxiety? The answer isn't a simple cut and dry answer. I have a blanket answer: just be there for them. That can mean something different at different times.
*It could mean be there to listen to them when they need to talk (TRULY listen AND hear what they have to say).
*It could be sitting silently together just looking off into the distance.
*Or maybe it could be that you talk about whatever is going on in your life to help take the person's mind off their own life (you talk, they listen and don't need to come up with responses).
*At times a hug is needed.
*Sending a text out of the blue to see how they are doing or let them know you are thinking of them (trust me, this one can truly help!).
*Ask how they are doing and actually want to hear the answer (instead of wanting to hear the typical "I'm good" that everyone says even when they aren't good...dig deeper, show you care).

Having any kind of relationship with someone with anxiety can take work, but hopefully you can see it is worth it. Because I am not my anxiety. I have so much more to me than just having anxiety. That goes for anyone who has anxiety. Hopefully people can see past the anxiety and see the great people that are hiding behind it.

There are times when the only way to change the way your life is going is to do it yourself and there are times when you need others to help lift you up (sometimes carry you....or drag you...) until you are strong enough to do it for yourself. It can be a roller coaster ride at times, but with the right support system you can do anything.

My Struggles With Self Esteem

Today my oldest child started high school. (CRAZY!!!!) She is so scared to start high school. Girls were cruel enough in middle school and she is afraid of how they will treat her in high school. I don't get why girls are so cruel to each other... She has such low self esteem and the girls just tear her down even more. So we had a heart to heart last night.

As we talked, I opened up about what I went through in high school and what advice I have due to my experiences. I told her of the importance of self esteem because when you have low self esteem you often fall into making choices that aren't the greatest. We talked about how self esteem can't come from others and what a dangerous trap it is to rely on others words and opinions to either make or break your self esteem. One thing we talked about for how to build self esteem is affirmations. That if you are constantly telling yourself when you look in the mirror that you are fat or ugly, then that is all you will see when you look in the mirror- if even you lose weight or change things about how you look. But if you change that and tell yourself good things, then you will be able to start believing in yourself.

I shared with her the struggles that I had as a teen... (I omitted some parts when talking to her, but wanted to share the full story here)

At 16 I became anorexic. Partly because I thought I was fat and partly because I literally wanted to disappear. I was 5 ft 7 inches and only 85 lbs. I was a skeleton. Food was the enemy. I don't remember the exact length of time I was anorexic, but it was quite a while. I remember what ended it though. I don't think my parents knew what to do to help me. So one day my dad took me to the store with him. He said we weren't leaving until I filled the cart up with food that I would eat. It was very difficult for me to do, but I wasn't one to tell my dad no or disrespect him. So I reluctantly obliged him. I didn't want to waste his money once the food was bought so I ate that day. I felt so fat. So fat that I made myself sick and went into the bathroom and threw it up. I HATE HATE HATE throwing up!!! I have always had a fear of it. Thankfully I had a fear of throwing up because the bulimia attempt only lasted that day. And since I didn't want to disrespect my dad, I ate each day. Maybe not as much as I should've, but I did eat something at least.

That wasn't the end of my struggles though. I may have started eating, but my food issues didn't go away. Since then I have gone on bouts of binge eating and bouts of not eating. I struggle to find a healthy balance. I know I haven't been able to control myself with foods I love. I overeat all the time. So that makes me struggle with eating at all. There are times that I realize halfway through the day that I haven't eaten. Or nap time comes and I go hide in my room to get my "sanity time" which involves a tv show while I overeat on chocolate, chips, ice cream, junk, junk, junk! It is a horrible battle.

This all started due to low self esteem. Due to feeling like I was the loser, ugly, fat girl. My friend wore size 0 pants and I was a size 5 because of my hips, so that made me fat in my eyes. I still struggle with self esteem. I tell myself that when I lose weight and tone my body that I will be pretty, but I honestly don't believe that... Because I have been skinny and definitely saw ugly when I looked in the mirror.

I explained to my daughter that it is important to feel good about who you are and what you look like in the moment and not live in the "I will be pretty when..." Once you have been telling yourself that you are fat and ugly, that thought process doesn't actually just go away overnight once you get thin or once your acne clears up. You already believe the negative about yourself and the only way to get rid of the negative thought is to change the thought, not change your appearance. Sure doing your hair or wearing makeup can make you feel good about yourself, but it doesn't last. It is temporary if you don't have actual self esteem. Those that feel good about themselves and are confident in who they are have this different air about them. And they are good looking people! Whether or not they are the "world's" definition of good looking, they truly are beautiful/handsome.

I realized I need to follow my own advice. The saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" definitely applies to how we feel about ourselves also. It is important to be kind to ourselves. To find things we love about ourselves and to quit negative talk! It is time to look in the mirror and say LOVING things, not HATEFUL. It is ok to love yourself. It really is. It is ok to have self esteem (This is one thing I am struggling to believe, but know that I need to!).

So my goal is to set a better example for my kids. To gain self esteem. Feel good about who I am and how I look. I think that is just as important as making sure to lift up my kids self esteem. If I model what healthy self esteem looks like (let's be honest...those who are egotistical don't have a healthy self esteem! Arrogance is NOT attractive.) then my kids will know how to feel good about themselves and that it is ok to feel good about themselves.

So I will be making a list of affirmations about myself that I will say daily. Not just for myself, but because if I have self esteem it affects my kids, my husband, my marriage, and those around me. And darnit, I deserve to feel good about myself for once!

I encourage you to do the same. Write down affirmations- positive things about you. Then look in the mirror every day as you say them to yourself. I know it works. When I was around 10 years old my sister was upset that I kept saying how ugly I was. So she made me promise that every single time I saw a mirror or anything I could see my reflection in, that I would stop, look at myself, and tell myself I was beautiful. I did it and I did start feeling good about myself and felt happier. (I stopped because she made me mad....so to punish her I stopped the affirmations... the things kids do when mad *sigh*)

So please do it. I will too.